Once upon a time there was a monkey with three arms and a head the size of a bowling ball. He was very unhappy. The other monkeys would laugh at him, and since monkeys laugh a lot the amount these ones laughed at Three Arm was quite a lot to be significant. Three Arm monkey, let’s name him Terry, didn’t want to be laughed at. It made him feel isolated as there was no joke he could join, and when he tried to be self-deprecating it just made him the butt of his own jokes, a sort of vicious self-confidence eroding cycle that is only useful for people with high self-esteem to keep themselves in-check.
It is not for the fawn to make themselves more forlorn. Especially in this case as it didn’t help Terry join with the other monkeys. They only agreed with his self-taunting, encouraging the further mockery of his massive head and third arm. The third arm was, by the way, joined under his left armpit and thus was about as useful as a tic is to a leech, in terms of the tic sucking onto the leech from the leech’s eye-view. The uselessness was owing to the right handedness of Terry, so having two left hands was really no help.
And so it was, one day, Terry was sitting alone in a tree. His tail curled around a limb, his normal sized brain thinking and swishing around in the fluid membrane of his skull. He was desperately trying to think of a non-self-deprecating way to be included in the happy humour his body supplied to his nearest and dearest monkey friends – a sentiment of welcome he applied owing to a lack of alternatives. I mean really, the way these monkeys were treating Terry was not in a friend-worthy way, but they were all that he had on offer. This was when Terry saw something in the bushes.
Another monkey, one who had escaped the taunting and horrible treatment of its own troop (apparently that’s what a group of monkeys is called. I thought it was a chatter of monkeys. Something should be called a chatter. A chatter of Reality TV show hosts perhaps?) This lone monkey was seeking companionship because it too was deformed. It had teeth bucking out of the front like those of a horse with over sized incisors, and an extra leg that was covered in shit due its attachment point being directly below its anus. The third leg was mostly a shin and foot, heaven knows where the rest of it went, so it looked like this monkey had a feces covered monkey-leg stool attached to its butt.
Terry watched this lone monkey waddle, as movement is hard for anyone with a monkey-leg stool attached to their rectum, and as he watched from his perch high alone he thought of what he should do. And so it was, in the great fact of the world in proving the point of monkey see monkey do, Terry used the scathing mockery he had learned so well and applied to himself to pushed it onto this passerby.
History will say that Terry leap from the tree, but in his excitement it was more of a fumbling fall. What is more accurate is that Terry’s voice of salute carried far in the jungle, and many of his monkey brethren were drawn near. Terry then enacted the classic set up for a massive put down.
He began the sequence that many horribly twisted and permanently insecure individuals apply by walking with casualness to the target – in this case the shit-on-a-stump monkey. After the friendly approach comes the welcoming offer of help. He made this in a supporting manner with grand enough arm movement and head tilting that the victim feels a genuine warmth. In this case Terry’s overt act drew more of an audience in anticipation of the sting.
Terry then held out a banana using his crappy armpit arm as a method of highlighting a common bond with his fellow over-abled monkey, lulling the fragile individual into a sense of safety. After the acceptance of the gesture by the target the goal is to smash the target’s rising confidence with a massive put down that everyone sees.
In this case it was Terry’s mocking laughter at the way the hungry Shit Foot monkey ate the banana, which was by cutting down on the banana with its teeth like humans do to corn on the cob. Following Terry’s lead laugher echoed throughout the jungle, a cacophony of laugher directed at Shit Foot’s method of eating. From that moment Terry no longer felt like the ugliest monkey to have ever lived. Shortly afterwards he was the ugliest to still be alive, as Shit Foot soon died as he tried to jump off a cliff only for his arse foot to snag onto an overhanging tree limb and so he died of starvation fifty-six meters from jagged rocks.
Still, ever since that day Terry would respond in times of excessive taunting from the troop/chatter by hunching his three arms towards his large head and pretending to eat a banana like a horse eating corn. His monkey friends would giggle and cackle and Terry would push his own pain aside as the ghost of someone else took the stage.
Like most monkeys Terry never risked facing new torment by escaping his uncomfort zone. Even if rumour existed of a better way to live, Terry had seen the failure of another monkey. This would be a case of monkey see, monkey don’t do. For Terry knew that this was as a good as life could get, and even if successful he wasn’t going to start at the bottom again – no pun intended. So having adapted to life Terry lived alone and slightly above miserablly ever after.