On every February 14 couples become insufferable as they post, meme, tweet and balloon how much they weally, weally wuv their partner. This pack of gloating arseholes need to be taken down a peg or two, so here is a guide on how to make the day a better place for singles, and therefore less isolating.
Buy flowers – especially roses
Purchase a hefty load of produce from the local florist, and shove the pretty colours into the compost. That’s where the stock will end up anyway, or rather it should. Most couples are too selfish to care about the environment. That’s why they demand trees be cut down, landscape ruined, oxygen depleted and habitat removed just so they can write “roses are red” poetry on heart shaped cards. Evidently couples are climate change deniers.
Book a table for two
This is one day restaurants look forward to selling a few bottles of champagne. That’s greed, and commerce, and this kind of capitalistic money seeking hunger hasn’t worked too well for the homeless. Spending big on four course meals and fancy drinks also makes couples feel decadent, which is exactly the problem the French had with their Royal Family in the 1790s. By booking a table for two even the poorest single, with their single income, can arrive, have the second place setting removed, order a single entree as a meal, drink a glass of water and get out of the house.
It doesn’t matter. Singles don’t have a partner to say, “Hey, are you putting on weight?” There is no-one to impress, no-one appraising their diet, no-one to hide blocks of cheese or rashes of bacon from. Eat the chocolate, drink the beer, smoke the ham, it doesn’t matter. No-one is watching you. No-one cares what you do. No-one. As they say, swinging singles should feel lucky to be so free. That’s not depressing is it? It’s liberating.
Dial one half of a couple from a private number
Get a voice box alternator so when the person answers, you can tell them you are their secret admirer, wish them well, and say that they are always in your thoughts. At first the person will fear a stalker, so their partner will attempt to calm them by reinforcing their desire to protect and be with their partner. Then curiosity will begin, and as the other half tries to work out who the admirer is jealousy will tear the couple apart.