Just because something is discounted doesn’t mean you have to have it
by Luke Morris
Note to Readers:
This is a stage play. As such it is intended to be preformed. I have added director notes to help the reader. I have also decided not to name characters or use foul language to allow for a personal attachment and a wider audience.
Probably a couch for X and Y to sit on. Otherwise, nothing.
X – possibly middle aged female
Y – possibly middle aged male
(X is in the room, possibly sitting on a couch and reading. Y enters the room.)
X: Hello Dear.
Y: Oh! hello.
X: How was it?
Y: I didn’t… How was what?
X: The night?
Y: Oh, good.
X: What did you do?
Y: Oh, nothing really.
X: Did you go out after the game?
X: With the team?
X: Well, where did you go?
Y: Nowhere. A night club I guess.
X: A night club?
Y: Of sorts.
X: Loud music?
X: Coloured drinks?
X: Lots of young women?
Y: They weren’t too young.
X: It sounds like a nightclub. And what did you do at this sort of night club?
Y: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Y: No. I didn’t… no.
X: Huh, the boys must have been on their best behaviour.
Y: They were.
X: They couldn’t make a scandal with their coach about could they?
X: How would that look? Elderly coach and professional footballers in wild night out. News flash, everyone drinks beer and urinates. You did do that didn’t you?
X: Both of them?
Y: Yes, both of them.
X: Well, sounds delightful. I’m glad you had a good time, if somewhat uneventful.
X: Well now, I’m for bed.
(X begins to exit)
Y: Dear, you know I love you.
X: You have mentioned it.
Y: And I don’t want anyone but you.
X: I’m not a piece of toast Love. (X now decides to stay) If you’re going to ask for sex, you smell like beer and I don’t. It’s unfair. You know the rule.
Y: I do. I need to tell you, I didn’t go to a night club.
X: Oh well. I’m sure you still had a good time. (X considers to exit)
Y: It was like a nightclub.
X: Private club was it?
X: That sounds good.
Y: Very private. (X decides to stay)
X: Really, was there a door fee or did the players have memberships?
X: You too?
Y: No they let me in.
X: Wonderful. It’s one of the advantages of fame I suppose.
Y: Ha, that is… that is what I wanted to talk to you about.
X: The fame? Is that getting to you Dear?
X: I do worry about it sometimes. How it might affect the kids, how it might be affecting you. The stress.
Y: It’s not the stress.
X: Oh good. (Prompting Y) And…
Y: The kids, I’m not worried about the kids.
X: That’s good.
Y: You know I love you.
X: Yes, Dear.
Y: I didn’t go to a private nightclub.
X: That’s okay.
Y: I didn’t go to a bar either.
Y: There was women, there was dancing, and there was loud music.
(Y perhaps sits down if there’s a couch)
X: Were any of the men dancing?
X: Were there table tops?
X: If I didn’t know better it sounds as though you went to a girly bar, drank beer, and urinated… hopefully in a trough behind closed doors in a room that some people might call a toilet.
X: Don’t tell the media.
Y: I wont.
X: Don’t go with the boys again.
Y: I wont.
X: Even if it is to keep them out of trouble. They’re old enough to know better, and they can be shamed if something happens.
Y: There’s more.
X: Oh god, did you proposition one of the women?
X: Thank god.
Y: One of the women propositioned me.
X: Oh really?
Y: A full set of services.
X: Involving a bed?
Y: Involving a bed.
X: And you said, No?
Y: I said, No.
X: Good. That’s good.
Y: Nothing happened.
X: Right, you said that. A very uneventful evening. Nothing happened to anyone.
X: I’m glad you brought it up. Sounds wonderful. A real experience. How much is a full service worth by the way? You know, in future, if you come home smelling of beer how much should one charge?
Y: She said it was free.
Y: For her to give me.
X: She’s a supporter of the club then?
Y: Her whole family is apparently.
X: She has me at a disadvantage then. I wont be offering you anything for free tonight by the way.
Y: I’m not asking you to.
Y: I wanted to ask you something else. I wanted to ask you… It made me feel young again.
X: What did?
Y: Being asked by her for sex.
X: I’m sure it did.
Y: It felt good. Being asked felt good. I felt stronger. Like I was back in my twenties, back when a woman like that would want me. I felt a vibrancy I hadn’t had in years.
X: Thank you very much.
Y: That’s not what I meant. I do love you.
X: You keep saying that.
Y: You are all I want.
X: You’ve said that too.
Y: I want to ask if you’ll let me do it.
X: Do what? With this women? You want permission from me. Your floorboards start creaking and suddenly you’re twenty, wait, you sound more like you’re sixteen asking a parent, the parent of your children, whether or not you can shove your hardly useful loins into the ashtray of some party girl.
Y: Now wait.
X: No, you’re right. I’m sorry, she’s could be very lovely. She was offering herself for free for pities sake. You on the other hand.
Y: I haven’t done anything.
X: You thought about it.
Y: And I said, No.
X: And then you thought about it. You came home, probably strolled up and down the driveway plucking up the courage to ask me, or, where you thinking of going back and not telling your wife? What happens on tour stays on tour.
Y: I didn’t do that, I could never have done that.
X: No, you wouldn’t want to set a bad example to the team. That fine, upstanding community of boys who take their leader to a strip club, and you didn’t think it was a bad idea to go inside with them.
Y: Just forget it.
Y: I’m sorry. Truly. It was a bad idea. Let’s just drop it.
X: Is that it?
X: You want to give up?
Y: On this. Let’s just drop it.
X: I don’t think I want to drop it. Actually, I don’t think I want you to drop it. You were feeling vibrant in the cobwebs. Don’t you want that back? Don’t you want to fight for your youth?
Y: I’m not going to fight you for it.
X: You tell your players to lead in everything and to expect victory. Why back down now? Came in here to ask me because you wanted me to say Yes.
Y: Well then.
X: Well then what?
Y: Will you say, Yes?
X: To what?
Y: To taking the woman up on her offer.
X: What offer?
Y: To taking the woman up on her offer to… sleep with me.
X: Is that how she said it?
X: How did she say it?
Y: Will you say Yes to me taking the woman up…
X: Who I don’t know.
Y: … who you don’t know, and will never need to know, on her offer to screw me into next week.
X: I don’t think I can spare you for that long.
Y: Oh god!
X: Who’ll pick up the kids up from school?
Y: Never mind.
X: I’d have to cancel Tuesday yoga, is she counting Tuesday as next week? The group will want to know why I’ve cancelled class. What could I say?
Y: Forget it. Forget it.
(Y begins to leave scene)
X: Yes. I can think up some excuse, you’re party girl at the sort of nightclub can screw you until next Friday for all I care.
Y: I still love you.
X: Oh don’t be like that. I expect you back for family dinner on Saturday. Otherwise do what you want with her. I’m glad you told me.
Y: I don’t want to leave you.
X: I know.
Y: I don’t want to lose you.
X: I know.
Y: I just want to feel, rekindled.
Y: I will comeback to you.
X: And you can show me all the things you’ve learned, hopefully on a map first, I’m not as flexible as I used to be.
Y: I wont show you on a map.
X: You better had. I can pray to the dancing dog on an unrolled piece of foam rubber but I’m not twenty. I know that. Our little talk tonight has proved that.
X: Don’t darling me. I’ve said, Yes. Go be happy with that. (Y leaves) There is one thing. One thing I want from you.
Y: What is it?
X: You know the rule. If it’s unfair, then no.
Y: What do you mean?
X: You’re going to go off to get laid with a twenty something woman from a men’s club. I want a twenty something man from any club. You know a few young men at your football club. One of them should be fine.
Y: You can’t be serious.
X: Call it extra circular training. Boning the coach’s wife. You should have plenty of volunteers. You could make it a best on ground award. I imagine opposition supporters would love to have a go too.
Y: Okay you’ve made your point.
X: Have I? I don’t want the one with the facial surgery. Ever since that knee hit his eye socket he’s looked a bit uneven. I don’t want to look at that while he’s going down on me, which I assume is part of the full service.
Y: We’re not doing this.
X: Wait a minute. When it’s my turn it’s not okay, is that right?
Y: It’s not okay.
X: For who?
Y: For either of us.
X: Is that right?
X: How unfortunate.
Y: I’ll sleep in the spare room tonight.
X: Oh what a shame. You’ve missed your chance to feel vibrant again. Both to feel vibrant, and to feel me.