I took a vegan to KFC. Not on purpose, it was just near the car park where we planned to meet.
Mum said KFC was appropriate for a vegan, “Because they can’t fucking cook.”
I said, “Immanuel Kant, the famous philosopher, his name is spelt with a K, so the acronym could work there, but it’s unfair to say he can’t cook.”
Mum said, “Couldn’t fucking care.”
My date didn’t like the situation either. She said she had to go. She didn’t have a good vibe about the date and she was hungry and had to go home.
I said, “You can eat here. They have peas.”
My date said, “I don’t like peas.”
I said, “Sure, I don’t like peas either. I don’t like baby peas. I’m the youngest in my family I’d hate it someone ate me. I wonder if baby peas have older brother peas that would beat up their younger brother peas and that how you get mushy peas? And I wonder if they have older sister peas that would use their brother’s face as a test site for make-up designs, and take photos, and then post those photos on Facebook, fifteen years later, three times?”
My date didn’t answer.
I said, “And minted peas. They sound rich. Like they’ve got all the green backs.”
I said, “I actually do like peas.”
My date said she didn’t want to continue the date. She had to go home to eat.
I said, “No. You can eat the mash potato here. There’s no meat in the gravy.” We checked. It is true. My date ate the mash potato and gravy and she loved it.
She said, “Thank you,” and she said she would see me again. She’d found a junk food indulgence that she could secretly have with me.
But I couldn’t see her again, because I googled more and it turned out that the gravy is ok, that is vegan, but the mash potato, it isn’t. The potato has chicken fat in it. The gravy is safe, but not the potato. It’s not vegan.
I had to tell my date. I told her about the chicken fat. She wasn’t so happy then. Vegans can swear a lot. They appear wholesome but they can sweat. But it’s better she knows the truth. And she’s now dating a guy who only eats chick peas. So that’s good for her. That’s a happy ending.