I’m Writing for the Bendigo Standard (again)

Hi, if you want to read some of my new work, drop over to the Bendigo Standard and have a look.

It’s almost more serious that everything else I write.

Articles over there include:

Build Your Own Garage and Save $$$

Man Carries Entire Shopping After Forgetting Bags in Car

Giant Spaceman Emerges on View St, Current Location Unknown


Trump Email To Mexico Exposed

Donald Trump, the top brass of America, has gone about revenue raising in the best way he knows how.

“We asked Potus what he wanted to do about paying for the whole wall schmozzle,” said Junior Vice-President staffer Ethan Meeks, “And after talking about the old three cup routine, the old three card trick and having a pretty lady distract people while he took things out of a box, this was his best idea.”

The basic plan, made by the President Of The United States, is this:

“First we went to his emails and found one he replied to a few years ago. Then we copied and paste,” said JVP Meeks.

There was one alteration, as the Donald wanted his name entered at the base of the text.

“He said it would be a little bit suspicious to have nothing there, which apparently is what he should have noticed the first and second times he replied,” said JVP Meeks.

The email has been sent to Mexcio and most on Team USA are hopeful.

“I’m not sure he understands the concepts involved,” said JVP Meeks.

The text of the email can be read here:

Dear Sir/madam,

I write with you in the strictest of confidence so our communication may stay private between us. I have ten million and one hundred american dollars US currency that my great uncle has left to me. The bank can not send to me this money as I have no account of my own. My uncle was very rich but I did not see him often as I would like. By luck of chance you and I have the same name and I can have the money transferred to you and I wish to share the money with you for your help.

All I need to send the $10,000,100 to your account is your name, date of birth, bank account numbers, address, cat’s name, first street you lived on, and your favourite colour, plus also the password to your bank account.

With the money I hope only to build my family a wall for playing squash and for use as a feature so to set the garden off if painted blue (the wall painted blue, not the garden). You shall share also in wall and may have many uses for money of yourself.

I look forward to your consultant.


Donald Trump

World Safari 4 In Production

“What with Bear Grylls, Turtle Man, and Donald Trump rocking it in the reality TV world, I thought it was time,” said Australian-freaking-icon Alby Mangles.

With the choke hazard that was dusting off the VHS camera complete, what plan does Alby have?

“I’m going to New Zealand,” said Mr Mangles.

It will be lands different to the Sahara dessert and the rocky wherever that he has been before.

“There’ll be muddy volcanic spots for me and the backpackers to get into, and steaming volcanic pools for me and the backpackers to swim in, and some huts, or tents, or just the one tent, it’s hard to carry baggage everywhere,” said Mr Mangles.

While hopefully he wont take a trusty dog with him, or at least he does and this time the thing lives, there’s more plans on the screenshot board.

“I’m mostly looking forward to taking a bunch of backpackers into the bush and filming them approaching deadly animals without warning.”

Along with introducing Australians to foreign lands, unusual foods, and skimpy bikinis, Mangles return to the big screen means one other thing.

“I’ll be topless as much as possible,” said Mr Mangles. “I know that’s why the first three series worked.”

Everyone has to agree with that.

The Back Pain Cure Bendigo Doctors Hate For You To Know

“Sure it works for back pain,” said Dr Julius M. Hibbert of a Kangaroo Flat medical practice. “It’s oxycodone. It’ll work on migraines, gun shots, and decapitation.”

This wonder drug was identified when Doug Attick, not his real name, was seen shouting abuse and kicking car doors outside Bendigo Base hospital.

“It’s one hell of a pain reliever, and we don’t want anyone using it,” said Dr Hibbert.

Dr Hibbert’s Kangaroo Flat medical practice is one of many that are fully aware of the benefits oxycodone offers those suffering back pain.

“It’s so effective, that if we injected you with hundreds of tiny mites, then pumped you full of codine, you could legitimately point at bugs crawling under your skin while not having a care in the world.”

This cure all to pain could be as simple as taking one little pill, or perhaps snorting it in powder form, yet the heavy handed medical practitioners of Bendigo are refusing to help.

“We don’t prescribe drugs of dependence,” defended Dr Hibbert.

This is cold comfort to the likes of Doug Attick, who regularly grind their teeth, pace, and throw random objects at tree truck as they suffer withdrawal symptoms.

“I suppose one could stay permanently on the drug via some drip. Of course their liver will shut down and the body would eventually reject all need for life,” said Dr Hibbert

That might sound perfect for the many Bendigo folk who can’t sit comfortably for more than five minutes, even finding a comfy cushion little relief, as they lay on the floor while waiting for a heat pack to warm in a microwave.

“Exercise, weight loss, and correct posture cure most back pain,” offers Dr Hibbert. “Anything else would be just a placebo.”

Where do we get these placebos?

“Probably from a guy wearing wrap around sunnies and a bum bag,” suggests Dr Hibbert.

New Windows 10 Update Offers Hitman Service

“Usually I say, ‘Bloody Microsoft,’ but this update could be really useful,” said Craig McLachlan, 37, Kangaroo Flat.

While most people agree that if they wanted their computer to be updated they’d just buy a new computer, the new Microsoft Windows update has a special and very appealing feature.

“It says it can ‘Add, edit or remove other people,’” explained Mr McLachlan. “At first I was like, awesome, I’m going to add that Scarlett Johansson chick. I’d like to click on her inbox. Hehehehe.”

Smut aside, Mr McLachlan’s priorities soon took a sharp turn.

“Then I though, narr, I’ve been jerked up the wall lately, I’m going to remove Gary. He’s a total dicknob.”

Yes, Gary is a dicknob, who doesn’t pay for his round at the pub and is constantly late to training, that’s despite not even having a job, what’s his excuse, where has he got to be all the time, he’s not filling out his centrelink form that’s for sure, he’s probably off somewhere selling, you know what I mean.

Then Mr McLachlan had another idea, “But I thought, Gary’s got a kid, you can’t off a guy with a kid, I mean, the mum’s no good, she’d just sell the lad for a packet of filters, what hope has the kid got with her, so I might just edit Gary from a dicknob to an alright bloke, not a champ, that would use too much data, but an alright bloke, that’ll be doable.”

Yes, the new update appears set to make the world a slightly better place.

Self-employed Woman Gets Herself In Her Office Secret Santa

“What are the odds,” said Megan Washington rhetorically.

Ms. Washington, 24, Long Gully, and a freelance bobcat operator, stood in her flat’s staff/lounge room and drew herself in her office Kris Kringle dip.

“I pulled myself out of the hat, then put my name back into the hat, but then pulled myself out again, and put it back. It went on like that for ages,” explained Ms. Washington.

She was also unable to swap with anyone.

“The annoying thing is I’m so difficult to buy for. Maybe a pot plant for voucher somewhere,” she mused.

Ms. Washington also has options of giving cash to a vagrant to buy her something at random, hiring a seeing eye dog for the day to blindly shop with, or eating some magic mushrooms and discovering what she wakes up next to.

“Last time it was a brick,” said Ms. Washington.

The gift must be bought before her Christmas party on Wednesday.

“I’m taking myself to the Bendigo Bowling Alley, or maybe just an alley, my budget is small this year,” said Ms. Washington.

She is also unsure who (or whom) to take as her plus one.

“I could bring my boyfriend along I suppose, but what if I pick up? That could be awkward,” said Ms Washington.

Office romances for the self-employed have a strong success rate.

“The truest love that’s ever found is for oneself,” she said (and so did Guy Gravey in the song Starlings by UK alt rock band Elbow, who are best know for the Mercury prize winning album Seldom Seen Kid. It’s a good album. Check it out. – Ed.).

Bendigo Medical Reminds Man Of Routine Pap Smear

“Golly,” said Mr Luke Morris. “I didn’t know I needed to have a pap smear.”

The email he received spoke of a routine procedure conducted on women.

“The bit I found most surprising was not the lack of routine I had experienced in having pap smears, but that I thought I wasn’t a woman.”

Alerted to this possible oversight Mr Morris conducted his own tests.

“I went to the bathroom and pee’d standing up,” he said.

While that might seem conclusive of his gender, some women can urinate while standing. Some even write their name if it’s not too long.

“So then I tried to breast feed a baby, but that was a failed experiment.”

As women who haven’t had children don’t generally lactate milk, not being able to breast feed is not conclusive evidence of anything.

“Next I wondered if I should watch the Today Show and see if I found any of that interesting.”

However the Today Show is not interesting, and therefore not helpful for gender definitions.

“My ears weren’t pierced, but that’s not a clue any more. I have worn a dress but Scotsmen do that. In fact, this whole gender identity via stereotypes thing is really more complicated that it seems. I’m not attracted to men, expect when at that one Xavier Rudd gig in 2002, so I could be a lesbian.”

Despite the rigorous testing Mr or Miss Morris felt unclear, and decided to visit Bendigo Medical for advice on his next step.

“Turned out they were fully booked and told me to come back on Thursday at 3pm.”

Until then, the mystery will remain unsolved.

Newspaper Clarifies Skateboarders Are Not Actually Spewing

The Bendigo Advertiser has recently had to clarify that local skateboarders have not been ejecting undigested food stuffs and body acids via their mouths.

“I understand the confusion,” said editor-in-chief Nobby Johnson. “Because when kids today say they are spewing, they are not necessarily vomiting all over the place.”

To do this the Advertiser used single quotation marks around the word spewing, written as ‘spewing’.

“We had to literally think up some way of pointing out that these cool dudes were not literally doing what they were literally saying,” explained EC Johnson.

Usually double quotation marks are used to highlight a direct quote in the media.

“It’s an American influence, actually,” said Johnson. “Then plebs got used to seeing double quotation marks everywhere, and they grew up to be teachers, and so people got taught double quotation are for use in works of fiction too.”

Therefore single quotes were used by the Addy to indicate an alternative use of the word spew, ironically not using double talkies to underscore spoken meaning.

“It’s the youth of today,” stated EC Johnson. “They use words like “mint” and “stoked” and “tuna”, when referring to things that are not exactly food, fireplace, or fish related.”

Fun times ahead for language development.

Research Shows Dogs Don’t Use Tinder

After two years of studying canine mating, Dr Richard Feynman has come to a conclusion.

“At first it was bizarre,” said Dr Feynman. “Dogs were out there, producing puppies, but we could identify no access to online dating.”

The good Doctor set up cameras in kennels and hired interpreters to assist with interviews.

“We had Ivan Pavlov join the project, but all he would do was ring a bell and make them salivate. Cool party tick but not what we needed,” said Dr Feynman.

Next they wanted to see if dogs obtained Wi-Fi via their paws.

“We got in Michael Faraday and he suggested we put the dogs in a cage made of a wire mesh, but he’s always saying stuff like that. It’s a real problem. He watches too much MMA,” said Dr Feynman.

The Wi-Fi issue was resolved when it was noticed by Dian Fossey that dogs lack a operational thumb to text with.

“We’re not even sure if dogs have elbows. I mean, do they have four elbows or four knees? We asked Henry Grey about it but his knowledge of dog anatomy is rubbish,” said Dr Feynman.

Finally, after months of watching dogs hump, the research team hit upon an answer.

“William was shaving with his razor in Occam, when he called to say, ‘Maybe we’re over thinking this,’ and I was like, ‘How do you mean?’ and he was like, ‘I’ll be right in,’ so I sat in the office with Emo Rubik solving his childish cube game and waited,” said Dr Feynman.

After two years it had been observed that dogs smell each other’s butt before copulation.

“We asked Marie Curie if she would help us with human trials, but she saw right through that plan, like it was x-ray or something,” said Dr Feynman.

With butt smelling established, how this works on the physics of attraction is the next big question.

“It might just be animal magnetism, but don’t asked me to explain magnetism,” said Dr Feynman. “All I know is that physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.”

Qarry Hil Man Replies to Tiinder Contacts

Reccently the Benido Standard spoke with Garthe Brookes of Quarry Hilll about his successes on dating phone app Tinderr. (see story here: link)

“Its been going really welll thanksyou” said Mr brookes, 38 years old.

“in no time I had matches with eight gourgous woeem I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable talkin to,” reported Mr Bookes.

Striking up comversation is a difficult fist step of any relation ship.

“It was hard to decide, so I asked them all tha same question to begun with,” eggsplained Mr Bookes.

That question was; Which would you rather be, an eagle of a shark?

“I’d seen it in a movie,” he’d said,.

And how did that work out for our budding casanova?

“No so good. Infact, not a reply.”

Oh dear.

“But its alright. I have meet someone elses.”

Mr Broookes speaks of a rapid romance with a lady named Deanna.

“Her image has a flushed red filted over it, like crimson wraping pointed at the sun, and her speling is a butt off, but that’s alright. We cant always be nurfect.”

While her cover photo colour is blood red like a vampyre warning, Deannaa is young, close by, has no profile dets, and keen to catchup with Mr Books.

“She said she was boareddd and I said wee can do something and she’s totally up ofr that.”

Mr Brookes is intending a visit for the two of them to Whitee Hillss botanical gardens for a strool though the prk and avery.

“It’ll be luvly. All I need is to download sky.pe and look for her name, live:loverrr558. I think my lonely days might be behind mee.”

The Bendigo Standard weshes Garthe all the best.