A Guide to Saint Singles Day

On every February 14 couples become insufferable as they post, meme, tweet and balloon how much they weally, weally wuv their partner. This pack of gloating arseholes need to be taken down a peg or two, so here is a guide on how to make the day a better place for singles, and therefore less isolating.

corpseflower
See here, as the Corpse Flower gives the stigma to the public, many who would be couples.

Buy flowers – especially roses

Purchase a hefty load of produce from the local florist, and shove the pretty colours into the compost. That’s where the stock will end up anyway, or rather it should. Most couples are too selfish to care about the environment. That’s why they demand trees be cut down, landscape ruined, oxygen depleted and habitat removed just so they can write “roses are red” poetry on heart shaped cards. Evidently couples are climate change deniers.

Book a table for two

This is one day restaurants look forward to selling a few bottles of champagne. That’s greed, and commerce, and this kind of capitalistic money seeking hunger hasn’t worked too well for the homeless. Spending big on four course meals and fancy drinks also makes couples feel decadent, which is exactly the problem the French had with their Royal Family in the 1790s. By booking a table for two even the poorest single, with their single income, can arrive, have the second place setting removed, order a single entree as a meal, drink a glass of water and get out of the house.

Eat chocolate

It doesn’t matter. Singles don’t have a partner to say, “Hey, are you putting on weight?” There is no-one to impress, no-one appraising their diet, no-one to hide blocks of cheese or rashes of bacon from. Eat the chocolate, drink the beer, smoke the ham, it doesn’t matter. No-one is watching you. No-one cares what you do. No-one. As they say, swinging singles should feel lucky to be so free. That’s not depressing is it? It’s liberating.

note
If you don’t have a phone you could write a letter.

Dial one half of a couple from a private number

Get a voice box alternator so when the person answers, you can tell them you are their secret admirer, wish them well, and say that they are always in your thoughts. At first the person will fear a stalker, so their partner will attempt to calm them by reinforcing their desire to protect and be with their partner. Then curiosity will begin, and as the other half tries to work out who the admirer is jealousy will tear the couple apart.

A responce letter to an anonymous and gutless person who wrote a marriage equality complaint letter

Pic_0621_388To the anonymous and gutless person who wrote a marriage equality complaint letter,

You are aware that the Meadow Boutique shop in Bendigo placed a sign in their window stating This Business Supports Marriage Equality. After this your complaint letter to them (see attached for reference) was also placed in their shop window.

While it was very kind of them to give your views a public place, I felt all angry that there was no informed response to your concerns. Therefore, perhaps with some arrogance, I supply this response to correct your anonymous and anti-equality letter. Here it goes:

  1. Wrong: The definition of the word “marriage” is not associated with the religious process of Holy Matrimony. Not within any legal text in Australia, nor in any accepted dictionary definition. Family units and Western society are also not associated with the religious process of Holy Matrimony. This is due to the separation of church and state. It is the passing of laws that uphold values that define us. Not religion. Fighting to make a Church State is a bad idea, so please don’t.
  2. Wrong: Same sex couples already have the right to adopt and raise children. That boat has sailed. Also, there are no biological rights, as nurturing requirements are not dependent on DNA. Plus, research has shown that supportive guardians independent of gender are more successful at raising emotionally and financially successful children than dysfunctional guardians of mixed gender. That’s a fact.
  3. Wrong: Gender confusion relates to an individual’s sexuality issues, not stereotyped at-home role models, and if sexuality is the topic here, no thorough independent research supports the view that same sex guardians, or even mixed gender guardians, that supply a stable and supportive environment cause gender/sexuality confusion. Kids learn or mislearn most of that stuff at school.
  4. Wrong: Freedom of Speech is the freedom to say dumb things as much as it is the freedom to reply to dumb things. This is part of the Socratic method of testing ideas. There are no grounds to argue that expanding the legal definition of a word, any word, will impact Freedom of Speech or even freedom of religion. Only policing law could do that.
  5. Wrong: First of all, accommodating minorities is a Christian act, it is an extension of being a Good Samaritan. Second, what future plan? Robot marriage? That would be cool, but first robots would need the right to vote. Third, anything could happen in the future. Luckily we control the present, and presently nowhere in the world that has passed marriage equality has experienced a breakdown in society or mass confusion. They might reverse the law if it was headed that way.
  6. Unsure: Does this suggest that the current marriage definition is also contributing to the undefined current unsustainable fertility rate?
  7. Wrong: The more informed school students are, either in junior or adult education, the less likely they are to engage in risky behaviour as a way of discovering things for themselves. This is true for sexuality as well as electrical engineering, ladder usage and brain surgery.

My personal views? The slight legal change to the definition of the word “marriage” will affect me as I might have to attend two extra weddings in the future. On one side that will take two days out of my life in support of other people and their enjoyment of a life in unity (though I usually like to do that anyway), while on the other side I’ll get some cake. I like cake. Let marriage equality occur.

By the way, I am also not a patron of the clothing store Meadow Boutique. I use spell check to write the word “fashion”, so it’s nothing personal. I will now recommend people visit them if it helps balance out your refusal to shop there again.

Cheers,

Luke Morris

Obvious Solutions to talking to yourself

It is advisable to get to know the proposed friend online before signing a friendship contract.
It is advisable to get to know the proposed friend online before committing to a friendship contract.

Do you find yourself talking to yourself in replace of actual company? Well, the famous solution is to find someone who hears voices and invite them around. Mid-afternoon the two of you can sit down and talk to whoever you think is listening or talking or cares. Ironically this requires actual company, which is the original problem, so here’s a better answer: Buy a friend. Wars around the world have dropped prices in the mail-order friend market. Ukrainia is a boom country of origin for reasonably priced friends, but Yemen and Syria are also good markets. Iraq is a player, as is Afghanistan, although both have more red-tape in their visa applications. If all that sounds difficult buying one side of a conversation is possible, via tape or video, but learning the scripted responses can be difficult – especially at an advanced “banter level” of conversation, and it’s really the unexpected that stimulates the brain. This is why buying a friend is the best solution. If you’re not worried about your friend miles, then the best tip when friend buying is to take care in the contract term. This means arrange for the friend to arrive early, but try and slow the payments before the fee is paid in full. Stringing this out helps make for a longer-term solution to talking to yourself.

Obvious Solutions to Recommendation 8

Crying babies are annoying to everyone.
Crying babies are annoying to everyone.

Okay, here’s a tricky one to understand. Bendigo Council has a goal to be a culture, art and history hub in Central Victoria, Australia. They even commissioned a report that supported the idea, basically saying that healthy minds equate to a healthy bank balance. The odd thing is that Recommendation 8, the finding of the report, recommends to cut funding that supports this development. That sounds like taking something good for everyone and stopping it, like vaccinations. In fact it is very much like vaccinations. A badly reasoned report got written in support of stopping vaccinations, and people started to stop vaccinations. In the short term they saved themselves money and a little sting, but in the long term the health of the community suffers. So sure, vaccinating costs money and is a little painful to explain to the kids, but just wait until the council has to explain to the kids why everything that was healthy and stimulating about living in Bendigo is gone. Probably shouldn’t let this happen hey?

But this is worse.
But this is worse than a baby crying.

PS: To see the full report click this: https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/27994891/City_Futures_Report_2015_-_Executive_Summary.pdf

Obvious Solutions to a Mosque in Bendigo

Surely any of these churches can help out the lack of a Mosque.
Surely any of these churches can help with the lack of a Mosque.

The proposed construction of a Mosque in Bendigo has been in Australian news lately. The attention is because the Mosque, which is an Islamic place of worship, is… well… look, it’s like this, if you are anti-Mosque in Bendigo the chances are that you are one of three people. Two of them live in Queensland, 1,610 km away, and the theory is that they don’t like the proposed location. The third is, well, believed to be a member of the Bendigo Council who doesn’t like the idea because the religion has some bad people claiming to be attached to it – sort of like the Ku Klux Klan claim to be attached to Christianity, but they’re not correctly following the ethos. The fact is that nobody likes hate mongers with unsubstantiated prejudices. Especially Muslims who use Mosques to preach against terrorism and promote understanding and peace. In fact Mosques are really important to prevent people feeling isolated, victimised, and thus becoming rebellious. Bendigo needs a Mosque quicker than you can say, “Religious inclusive oversight”. So let’s ignore the bigot and consider the two people who live in Queensland. They don’t like the site, huh? Well, Christians have the Bendigo High St Church, the Baptist Church, the Golden City Baptist Church, the Enjoy Church, the Gospel Church, the Abundant Life Church, the Assembles of God, the Presbyterian, the Peoples Front of Judea, and a few others, Sacred Heart etc. Surely they don’t need all those buildings all day long. A time-share arrangement could be organised in the interest of friendship. Right?

Obvious Solutions to people who don’t vote

Donkey voting, aka informal voting, by drawing a dick on the voting form is the time honoured means of showing disenfranchisement. Otherwise it appears the voters forgot.
Donkey voting, aka informal voting, by drawing a dick on the voting form is the time honoured means of showing disenfranchisement. Otherwise it appears the voters forgot.

There’s a rush of non-voters in the United Kingdom. It’s a trend. Like using Snapchat. Something to show other people that the other people will take on-board very briefly, then forget. Not voting in the UK is supposed to show that the person is so angry about politics that they wont support any potential government. The obvious solution is for the campaigning parties to stop caring about the non-voters.

Sure, it might result in policies that favour the elderly and the racists, and that help rich bankers, rich media consortiums and rich super-brand companies, but if they are the only people who vote then the voters will get what they want. Of course, the non-voters believe this already happens, so if they think it is bad now what obvious solution is there to make it better?

They could form their own political party and vote for that. Of course that would require some thought. Instead they could riot again in a more orderly fashion to cut away a piece of the country for themselves. They could take the north but the type of people who whinge by not voting would grizzle for something warmer in the south, like Plymouth. And so there, in Plymouth, they can start their own little society where they’ll have a non-voted head of their country to control the required logistics. They can have an autocracy rather than a democracy. See how that works for them.

Obvious Solutions to drawing the Prophet Muhammad

Can't show you Rob's face. He's a dentist.
We can’t show you Rob’s face. He’s a dentist.

People are getting killed for images of the Prophet Muhammad. Not because these images show the Prophet with a big nose or red hair, and it’s not because Islamic law forbids the images. It’s simply because the world contains idiots.

The most obvious solution to prevent murders like this is not to make images of the Prophet Muhammad. People don’t poke a bear in the forest. Poking bears results in bad outcomes. Plus, no-one needs an image of the Prophet Muhammad, and that’s the actual teaching the idiots are misunderstanding.

An eternity of art class for this depiction of the Prophet Muhammad (16th-century Ottoman illustration)
An eternity of art class for this depiction of the Prophet Muhammad (16th-century Ottoman illustration)

The second most obvious solution to prevent murders like this is for idiots not to get angry when someone does make an image of the Prophet Muhammad. It’s like the environment. If you ignore it, it will go away. More so, those who make these images will get judged for their actions in death, possibly by God, possibly by being sent to art class for all eternity.

Importantly though, Islamic law does state that killing people isn’t good. So it’s worth saying that the murderers claiming to be acting in good faith are violating their faith far worse that those they are killing. This means that when the murderers die they’re going straight to Hell, do not past Heaven, do not to collect Eternal Praise.

But consider this, one of the Ten Commandments forbids the making of graven images, yet Judaism and Christianity does make images of Jesus, and in the Buddhist faith the Buddha said he didn’t want images of himself made as worshipping images is contrary to finding a personal inner peace, though big Buddha’s have been made as points of worship. So it seems other religions also have their share of idiots.

Obvious Solutions for the royal baby

Baby George is thinking, "Who they hell are all these people and why are they behind a fence, or am I behind a fence... whoa man, I just blew my mind."
Baby George is thinking, “Who they hell are all these people and why are they behind a fence, or am I behind a fence… whoa man, I just blew my mind.”

Are you tired of trying to avoid the coverage of the British royal baby? Yes? Then spare a thought for the baby itself. Not a day following it’s birth and Australia’s most respected news channel, ABC TVs News24, was speculating on what the child will wear, how much those clothes will sell for, and the child’s appearance given its a girl related to Diana Spencer and Catherine Middleton, aka whatever their royal titles currently are. That’s right. A freshly pressed baby, pink of skin and mushed in the face, was having its appearance judged on the nation’s most reputable television station, a station not even in the same country as the child. Consider how that kid is going to grow up. The first time she wears anything pink, the first hair cut, the first sign of boobs, the first photoshopped nude shots, the first actual nude shots, everything will be criticised on a front page, and she has a brother who wont be able to stop any of these bullies from hurting his sister. And so, for the royal baby, if she wants a chance to not be hideously judged, her best solution is to join a nunnery. Immediately. That’s it. Actually, either that or the military. Immediately.

PS: The baby has now been named, Charlotte – a contraction of the words charcoal and lottery. Another reason to join a nunnery… or the military. Immediately.

10 Obvious Solutions to attending a music festival alone

Going alone and dressing like this will attract security attention to you possibly selling drugs.
Going alone and dressing like this will attract security attention to you possibly selling drugs.

Expect to remain alone: Fables of people making friends at events are usually told by people who sell drugs. Most people don’t want to make spontaneous friends, that’s why they arrange to go places with people they know. Place no hope on gaining companions. The isolated are not attractive. Sorry, that’s not funny, that’s just a fact.

Limit the bands you see: Standing alone for a whole festival is only needed if you’re selling drugs, otherwise it can make for a headache of unresolved thoughts – aka Brain Trap. The top tip is to look at a performance timetable and enter the festival when a majority of the acts you want to see will be playing in a cluster.

Do something beforehand: Go to a movie or an art gallery, anything, because aside from filling out the day these will give you something to think about between sets. It will probably also be more interesting than deciding which foods to eat, when to eat, when to go to the toilet, the benefits of buying a hemp bag, or the revenue you could be making by selling drugs.

Float on the edge of social groups: You can overhear stories and this will relax the brain from thinking by itself, thus lowering the Brain Trap. Also, appearing to be with people reduces the number of security guards watching to see if you are at the gig only to sell drugs.

Carry a notepad: Looking like a music journalist is a good tip. Pretending to talk on a mobile phone, pretending to look for someone, pretending to buy a tray of beers, pretending to need the toilet, and pretending to take photographs are also good ideas. The best thing about the mobile phone is that it seems you have fiends somewhere. Feigning life as a freelance photojournalist can be expensive though, as some cameras cost more than a car. The notepad option is cheap and allows one to play number games while appearing to be writing reviews. All this also helps remove the image that you’re there only to sell drugs.

Even if no-one joins you, you can still see some good music.
Even if no-one joins you, you can still see some good music.

Get infatuated with a stranger: Much like going to a movie or art gallery being fixated on a stranger can give you something to think about. It can also prompt observant security guards to think that you’re watching the stranger because you want to buy some of the drugs they could be selling.

At least pretend to dance: Swaying is ok. It’s not the same as dancing but it looks better than standing steadfast. Not dancing is only okay if you are pretending to be writing notes or taking photographs, or if you’re at the back of the crowd pretending to be with another group. The problem is that standing still at a music festival can be considered by security as the sign that you are calculating something sinister, like selling drugs.

Don’t hide in the toilet: Solitude when you feel exposed is great, but retreating for a long time into a toilet cubical gives the impression that you’re actually using the drugs the security already think you have. So limit the frequency of toilet visits.

Eat something: Buying food and eating alone is okay. It looks like you’re taking a rest from partying and drug selling. However, do not eat from the food van with the most people in front of it. This is because you’ll most likely fill-in time by eating, and by pretending to be a food journalist with your notepad, and continually standing in queues is not particularly fun.

Stand back: Pushing yourself to the front rows and interacting with a crowd of jumping people can be good, but only for as long as your fitness and moshing experience allow. It is recommend to save this jumping part of the festival until near the end, when most people are drunk and therefore it might be possible to make single moment spontaneous friends… this is assuming you have not been thrown out by security under suspicion of selling drugs.

Obvious Solution to the Bali Two grief

Indonesian President Joko Widodo. Not a very thanking guy.
Indonesian President Joko Widodo. Not a very thanking guy.

A firing squad. There are worse ways to go. Could have been young and boring, never done nothing, never reformed, never started painting, never grew your own food, never mentored others to never commit crimes again. Getting shot following a decade of helping society isn’t too bad. Compare that to living a single uncomplicated life in a mundane job, impacting nothing and dying in bed after a good night’s sleep off the back of a bottle of wine, a roast duck and too much lemon tart. Sure, nothing’s too wrong with living a sedentary life. The sedentary can do a little good. It’s the one-percenters in football that really matter to the team. The issue is that a firing squad compared to old age is not so bad. Look at it that way. Even the Braveheart guy had it worse following a decade of accomplishments. Hung, drawn, quartered, with guts everywhere. That’s not much of a thank you.