I took a vegan to KFC. I mean not on purpose, it was just near the car park where we planned to meet.
Mum said KFC was appropriate for a vegan, “Because they can’t fucking cook.”
I said, “Can’t isn’t spelt with a K, and Immanuel Kant, the famous philosopher, might have been many things, but to say he couldn’t cook is unfair.”
Mum said, “Can’t fucking care.”
My date didn’t like the situation either. She said, “I don’t eat meat.”
I said, “Sure, that’s okay. I eat peas.”
She said, “I don’t like peas.”
I said, “Sure, I don’t like peas either. I don’t like baby peas. I’m the youngest in my family. I’d hate it someone ate me. I wonder if baby peas get beaten up by their older, brother peas, or if they get used as a test site for make-up designs by their older, sister peas?”
My date didn’t answer.
I said, “And minted peas. They sound rich. Like they’ve got all the green backs.”
I said, “I actually do like peas.”
My date said she didn’t want to continue the date. She said she was really hungry and had to go.
I said, “You can eat the mash potato in there. There’s no meat in the gravy.” We checked. It is true.
My date ate the mash potato and gravy and she loved it. She said, “Thank you,” and she said she would see me again.
But I couldn’t see her again, because I googled more and it turned out that the mash potato has chicken fat in it. The gravy is safe, but not the potato. It’s not vegan.
My date didn’t know. She wanted to go again to eat more. Like it’s junk food for vegans, but it’s not. I didn’t know how to tell her. She was so happy.
But I did send her a message. I told her about the chicken fat. She wasn’t so happy then. Vegans can swear a lot. But it’s better she knows the truth. So that’s good for her. That’s a happy ending.