I went on a date with a woman from the planet Quarack. It was going okay. I was having an orange juice, she was biting the heads off pineapples, as they do. It was all good, except I don’t think her second head was into me.
I got the feeling that after the date the second head was going to say, “You can do better.”
And the first head, Susan, would say, “Oh but he’s really nice.”
And the second head, Rachel, would say, “You don’t need really nice right now. You need a bit of cock.”
While I do have one of those, I like to think I’m more than that. I’m not like a mollusc, which is mostly cock. I have arms, and legs, and a mostly functioning head. I have an anus, but I’m more than that. Unlike a clam, which is mostly anus. And I’m not like an octopus with a head that is mostly stomach. I’m more of an ape type animal.
Anyway the date went ok. I did try small talk at one point. I said to Susan, “So, are you originally from Ringwoord?”
She said, “No. We started out in the Yarra Valley.”
Then I said something stupid. I said, “The Yarra Valley? That’s a nice green area.” What a stupid thing to say to someone from Quarrak. Green? What an idiot.
I said, “Obviously I mean the grass.”
She smiled and said, “I could tell,” which was great.
The second head just rolled her eye and pulled her tentacles in.
I told Mum and she said, “Don’t date one of those things. We grew here they flew here.”
I said, “Crash landed more like. It was controlled but they didn’t really have a choice.”
But yeah. I don’t think the second head was into me. I called Susan the next day.
I said, “Hello.”
And the voice said, “It’s Rachel. Susan’s busy.”
I said, “Oh, can you let Susan know I called.”
Rachel said she would, but Susan never called back. How hard is it to tell a second head that someone has called. It’s right there. You can’t forget before you see them again.
I suppose when you’re close to someone, you have to consider their feelings. That must be what it’s like to be in a relationship. So that’s good. That’s good for them.