I hate it when people assume things about me. Especially when they’re right. Like the time I was at the supermarket near me. It has free fruit for kids. It’s not good fruit, not fruit they can sell, but fruit they give to families, because they’re a family friendly store.
Everyday I pass this free fruit it’s a reminder of the family I don’t have. Why should couples get everything. So this one day I took a banana. I was eating it and a security guard stopped me and said, “Hey, where’d you get that?”
I said, “What?”
He said, “The banana.”
I said, “I’m holding this for my kid.”
He said, “You don’t have kids.”
That’s not fair.
I said, “I do. Jimmy. He’s over there,” and I pointed.
The security guard didn’t look. He repeated, “You don’t have kids.”
I said, “Sure,” and pointed at some person. “That’s my wife Kate. She’s minding Tom, and Jimmy, and I’m holding Jimmy’s banana, or nar-nar as he calls it.”
The security guard said, “That fruit is store property. You can’t eat property without purchasing it first.”
I said, “Hansel and Gretel ate the ginger bread house. They didn’t take out a mortgage first. There wasn’t any auction or settlement. They just ate it.”
He said, “You’re going to have to pay for that banana,” and he took me to a cash register and placed the banana it on the scales.
I thought I’d make a joke, ‘cause it was silly, so I said, “Do you want the other half?”
He said to the cash register lady, “This ‘comedian’ here needs to pay for this. It was for the kids,” and so the lady puts her hand on the scale, and I don’t know what product she selected, but that half-banana cost me $49.86, and I didn’t even get to keep it. The bruised, not fit for actual sale, banana got thrown in the bin and I got walked out of the family friendly supermarket.
But before leaving I heard the security guard say to the cash register lady, “Thanks Honey.”
I’d like to assume he’s not being a bit sexist, so they’re a couple. So that’s good for them. That’s a happy ending.