It was my birthday last week. At 4:30 in the morning Mum poked me awake with a stick.
She said, “Where’s my present?”
I said, “Oh, yeah, ah, Mum, last night I went on a date, and it was her birthday soon, and she told me her mum was buying her something. She said, ‘That’s normal’. She said, ‘Nobody does it the other way around’.”
Mum said, “Don’t believe what dates tell you. Remember, ‘You’re such as nice guy’ means ‘You’re dead-shit boring’, and ‘I’ll be in touch’ means ‘I don’t want to hear from you again’.”
I said to Mum, “But, you’ve never bought me a present in your birthday.”
Mum said, “I gave you the greatest gift of all. Life. What have you given me?”
I said, “Last year I gave you a bottle of gin.”
Mum said, “The year before that?”
I said, “It’s not all my fault. Vodka and gin are in the same aisle. They’re both clear. I’m sorry.”
Mum said, “I had to choke down that vodka with a bottle of Coke. Gin doesn’t even need Coke.”
I gave Mum a handbag with a bottle of gin in it. She gave me back the handbag. I keep socks in it.
I texted my date. She said I was really nice and that she’ll be in touch.
I hear she’s dating a fishmonger. Fish is really healthy. A good source of omega-3.
So that’s good for her.