I was at a bar and a guy came up to me and said, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?”
I said, “Yes,” because, well, I was curious. I mean, sure, you only live once, but I also wanted to find out what happens when someone says Yes in that scenario.
He said, “What are you having?”
I said, “Beer.”
He said, “I like a guy who drinks beer.”
I said, “Cool,” because it sounded like we could at least be friends.
He got me a drink and said, “Ask me what I do.”
I asked, “What do you do?”
He said, “I’m a fitness trainer.”
I said, “Oh! That must keep you fit.” I felt like such an idiot. Here’s this guy, talking to me, buying me a drink, and I say such a stupid thing like that.
He was nice about it. He said, “Do you want to see me do a push up?”
I said, “Sure,” and I watched him get down on the floor. Now, the floor shone clean in parts, but only in parts where beer, vodka, midori, and scum from outside hadn’t been trodden into the ground, which meant it wasn’t very shiny at all, and his face got very close to the floor, and he held it there. Then came up.
He said, “See?” and brushed his hands as if that would clean them. It was gross.
I said, “Cool,” but I didn’t know what to do next so I looked around the room.
He followed me and said, “Who are you looking at?”
I said, “No-one.”
He said, “You’re looking at that guy, aren’t you?”
I looked to the dance floor and said, “No.”
He said, “You are. I reckon I could get him.”
I said, “Could you?”
He said, “Sure. He’s just my type,” and, well, the guy dancing was really attractive, I mean, I’m not that way inclined, but he was, and he was dancing all cool, and I thought, I can’t compete with that. What is this guy doing with me, if he thinks he could have a guy like that? I’m out of my league.
I said, “If you think you can get him. You should.”
He said, “Yeah?”
I said, “You might as well. You’re not going to get anywhere with me.” Which was true.
He put his drink down and said, “Alright,” and stormed off. I couldn’t even buy him a beer back.
I told Mum. She said, “You’re such a cocktease. You lead the guy on, get a drink out of him, and throw him away. I’m proud of you.”
That’s the nicest thing she’s ever said to me.
Anyway, the guy was dancing with this guy, and apart from the gyrating, or maybe because of it, they looked happy. So that’s good. That’s good for them. A happy ending.