I was at a bar and a guy came up to me and said, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?”
I said, “Yes,” because, well, I knew what he meant, but you only live once, and I was curious to find out what happens when someone says Yes in that scenario.
He said, “What are you having?”
I said, “Beer.”
He said, “I like a guy who drinks beer.”
I said, “Cool,” because that was nice, and it sounded like we could be friends after.
He got me a drink and said, “I’ve seen you here before.”
I said, “Yeah, it’s on my way home.”
He said, “It’s just my luck you stopped in this time.”
I said, “Yeah, we’re both winners,” because I was getting a free beer and he was smiling, so it was good.
He said, “Ask me what I do.”
“Other than this?” I asked.
He said, “I don’t do this all the time. I’m a fitness trainer.”
I said, “Oh, that must keep you fit.” I felt like such an idiot. Here’s this guy buying me a drink, and I’m behaving like such an idiot.
But he was so nice about it. He laughed, and said, “It sure does. Do you want to see me do a push up?”
I said, “Sure,” so I watched him do a push up. The floor shone clean in parts, but only in parts where trodden drink scum wasn’t pressed into the concrete, which meant it didn’t shine very much, and his face got very close to the floor, and he held it there. Then came up. It was gross.
He said, “See?” and he was really happy.
I said, “Does that usually work?”
He said, “What?”
I said, “Going up to lonely people and doing a push up.”
He said, “Yeah, I can do them real slow or real hard.”
I said, “That doesn’t sound like a thing,” and then, because I didn’t know where to go with the conversation, I looked around the bar.
His eyes followed mine, and he said, “Who are you looking at?”
I said, “No-one.”
He said, “You’re looking at that guy, aren’t you?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “You are. I reckon I could get him.”
I said, “Could you?”
He said, “Sure. Sure I could. He’s just my type.”
So I looked at the other guy, and, well, he was really fit and good looking, and he was dancing and looked so smooth, and I thought, I can’t compete with that. What is this guy doing with me, if he thinks he could have a guy like that. I mean, I’m not attracted to either of them, but if I was, I’d be out of my league, and I don’t want to stand between them.
So I said, “If you think you can get him. You should.”
He said, “Is that what you think?”
I said, “You might as well, because you’re not going to get anywhere with me.”
Later, Mum said, “You’re such a cocktease.”
I said, “What?”
She said, “You lead the guy on, get a drink out of him, and throw him away. I’m proud of you.”
That’s the nicest thing she’s ever said to me.
The guy wasn’t so happy. He said, “You’re going to ditch me, just like that?”
I said, “I can buy you a drink back.”
He said, “What’s the point!”
And off he went. Off to the dance floor to dance with the attractive guy. Apart from the gyrating, or maybe because of it, they looked happy. So that’s good. That’s good for them. A happy ending.