I was on a date with a woman named Celine, and she said, “Do you want to hear something funny?”
I said, “Sure.”
She said, “Well, my last name is Dion” …. “So I’m Celine Dion.”
I thought, Oh! I hate Celine Dion’s music. I mean I didn’t know if this Celine Dion played music, but I don’t like the famous Celine Dion, but since I wanted to see this Celine Dion again I said, “That’s great.”
Celine Dion said, “No it’s not. I don’t like her music.”
I said, “Oh, not even the Titanic stuff?”
She said, “No.”
I said, “Oh, why don’t you change your name then?”
She said, “It’s my grand-mother’s name.”
I said, “Your grand-mother’s Celine Dion!”
She said, “No, not the famous one.”
I said, “Oh, that’s still pretty cool,” but it’s not. I don’t like Celine Dion’s music, but I couldn’t go back on the idea of liking Celine Dion, because Celine Dion would think I’m weak willed, and people who are weak willed don’t get second dates.
Mum said, “Did you tell Celine Dion about me?”
I said, “No.”
She said, “You, you, you, you, you should have taken her to karaoke.”
I said, “No,” but we were at karaoke. It wasn’t a karaoke bar but they were setting up for karaoke, and I was there with Celine Dion, and the karaoke manager came up and said, “Hey, you two look like a happy couple. Do you want to sing a song together?”
I said, “No.”
Celine Dion, “No.”
The Karaoke Lady said, “Go on.”
I said, “How about Man, I feel Like a Woman?”
Celine Dion said, “I love that song, but you know that’s not a Celine Dion song, right?”
Then I realised she was right, but I didn’t want to appear weak-willed, because people who are weak-willed don’t get second dates, so I said, “Yes it is.”
She said, “No it’s not.”
I said, “Yes it is.”
Celine Dion said to the Karaoke Lady, “Hey, is Man, I feel like a Woman a Celine Dion song?”
The Karaoke Lady did not want to be part of our conversation. She said, “I’ll go check.”
Celine Dion said, “No, I’ll go,” and she got up and went to the karaoke machine and typed on the keyboard. Then on the screen came the words “Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain” and then Celine Dion started singing Man I Feel Like a Woman, by Shania Twain, at me, really badly and angrily.
Then some guy in the front started singing, and they started singing together, and at that moment I realised not only is Celine Dion a terrible singer, with a horrible taste in music, but she also wasn’t going to go on a second date with me.
But the two looked happy. So that’s good. That’s good for them. A happy ending.