I was on a date with a woman named Celine. She said, “Do you want to hear something funny?”
I said, “Sure,” because I’m always looking for funny things to talk about.
She said, “Well, my last name is Dion.” I continued to stare at her, and she, “So I’m Celine Dion.”
At first I thought, Oh! I hate Celine Dion’s music, but since I wanted to see my date again I thought I’d be nice and so I said, “That’s great. Isn’t she wonderful.”
Celine Dion said, “No, I don’t like her music.”
I said, “Oh, not even that Titanic stuff?”
She said, “No.”
I said, “Why don’t you change your name then?”
She said, “It’s my grand-mother’s name.”
I said, “Your grand-mother’s Celine Dion!”
She said, “No, not the real one.”
I said, “Oh, but that’s still pretty cool,” but I didn’t believe that, because I don’t like Celine Dion’s music, the real one – I hadn’t ascertained if this one made music yet, but I couldn’t backtrack on the idea of liking Celine Dion, because Celine Dion would think I’m weak willed, and I wanted to see Celine Dion again, and people don’t like people who are weak willed. Especially if you’re Celine Dion.
Mum said, “Did you tell Celine Dion about me?”
I said, “No.”
She said, “You, you, you, you, you should have taken her to karaoke.”
I said, “No,” but the truth was we were at karaoke. I didn’t know the bar had karaoke, and I was there with Celine Dion, and it was karaoke night, and the karaoke manager came up to us and said, “Hey, you look like a happy couple. Do you two want to sing a song together?”
I said, “No.”
Celine Dion, “No.”
The Karaoke Lady said, “Go on.”
I said, “Oh, how about Man, I feel Like a Woman?”
Celine Dion said, “No.”
I said, “Okay.”
She said, “I do love that song.”
I said, “Do you?”
She said, “Yeah, but you know that’s not a Celine Dion song, right?”
At that moment I realised she was right, but I didn’t want to appear weak-willed, because people don’t like people who are weak-willed, so I said, “Yes it is.”
She said, “No it’s not.”
I said, “Yes it is.”
Celine Dion said to the Karaoke Lady, “Excuse me, is Man, I feel like a Woman a Celine Dion song?”
The Karaoke Lady would have known, but she didn’t want to get involved in our conversation so she said, “I’ll go check.”
But Celine Dion said, “No, I’ll find out,” and she got up and went to the karaoke computer and typed on the board. Then on the screen came the words “Man, I Feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain” and the music started and Celine Dion started singing it, at me, really badly and angrily, and some guy in the front row was singing with her, and she started singing with him, and at that moment I realised that not only is Celine Dion a terrible singer, with a shocking taste in music, but she also wasn’t going to date me again.
But she looked happy, so that’s good. That’s good for her.