I was sitting at the bar and a woman slammed her phone down in front of me and said, “Why do men send these pictures!?”
I looked at her screen and said, “Ah, is that the underside of a turtle’s neck?”
She said, “No! You know what that is.”
I said, “Ah, is it an unhealthy snake?”
She said, “No, it’s a picture of a dick!”
I said, “Oh! What kind is it? Is it a turtle’s dick?”
She said, “No, it’s a man’s dick.”
I said, “Gross!”
She said, “It’s disgusting.”
I said, “It sure is.”
She said, “I don’t want to see that.”
I said, “Nobody does.”
She said, “What are you going to do about it?”
I said, “I don’t know. I’ll send out a text to everyone. No more dick pics.”
Mum said, “That wouldn’t work. People don’t listen to you. It’s like that time you cried out for help and no-one came to save you from drowning. When was that again?”
I said, “When I was five.”
She said, “Oh yeah, where was that again?”
I said, “At the local pool.”
She said, “Oh yeah, that was a nice day from memory.”
I said, “Yeah, it was quite sunny. I couldn’t see the ledge.”
Mum said, “We can laugh about it now can’t we. Ha ha ha ha.”
The woman didn’t believe my plan either. She said, “You’re not going to do anything,” and then she took back her phone and started swiping her finger across the screen, which made me feel really awkward.
Then the bouncer came over and said, “Is everything okay here?”
The woman held up her phone and said, “Do you know who this is?”
The bouncer said, “It looks like Bryan. He’s over there. Perhaps you and I should have a word with him.” I don’t know what he was looking at.
She said, “Let’s do that,” and away they went.
So she found her man. That’s good. That’s good for her.