Dating Stories: The Capsicum Spray Lady

I don’t think I’m creepy-looking. Well, I try not to come across as creepy, but the other day I was following this women down a dark alley. Nothing wrong with that. She just kept turning down paths and I was going in the same direction.

So we were walking late at night down this alley, and I thought I might be freaking her out, so I sped-up to overtake her, but as the stomp of my shoes echoed off the narrow walls, she started to walk faster. It felt like a walking race, and I’m a bit fit so I covered the ground between us quickly, but before I got alongside her she turned around and said something. I couldn’t hear her so I leant forward, and then she sprayed me in the face with capsicum spray.

Right in the face.

I don’t know what they do to those capsicums. Capsicum is great in a stir fry, and you can hollow one out, fill it with couscous, grill it and make a great snack, or part of a meal, but somehow, someone’s chopped it up, put it in a spray, and it really burns the eyes.

I mean, wow! I was in pain, choking and grasping at the walls as my sight was blinded, and she told me she was calling the police, which I thought was really reassuring because I’d just been capsicum sprayed and I was in a lot of pain and I wanted some help.

Mum said, “The police don’t help in those situations. That’s not how it works.”

Which is true, because while I was being handcuffed and having my face moulded into the bonnet of a Holden Commodore, I heard a police officer talking to the woman.

He was saying how she did the right thing and people like me have to be taught a lesson.

She said, “Thanks,” and told him that she wouldn’t think twice about spraying me again, which I didn’t want because I don’t like spicy food.

But, yeah, he gave her his personal phone number. So they were getting along. That’s good. That’s good for them.

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