Dating Stories: The Street Corner Lady

I met a date on a street corner. When I got there a gust of wind blew a dead leaf into her hair. It looked like a fascinator acquired from the gutter.

I was going to tell her but then an old lady walked passed with a dog, and it jumped up and scratched my date on the leg. It put a tear in her stocking, or pantyhose, or legging, I’m not sure what the right word is. Tights? I’m not au fait with women’s wears. I only found out what a tampon was last week. They look like a soft toy mouse with a tail, and a red nose.

Anyway, my date was bleeding, from the scratch, and I bent to shoo the dog away but in doing that I neglected my chivalrous duties of standing between my date and the curb, so when a car came passed it splashed her with ditch water.

I was dry, but she was soaked, and I was going to say something but then a bird pooed onto her face, just below her eye, so it looked like she was weeping a white tear with a little grey shit in the middle, and all I could think to say was, “That’s good luck.”

Mum said, “This woman sounds like the most unlucky person in the world. Not only has she had all of this happen, but she’s about to go on a date with you.”

The date never happened. First I went to wipe the poo away, but at that moment, maybe from the wind, her hay fever kicked in and she sneezed forward, and I poked her in the eye. Poking your date in the eye, or anyone really, once you poke someone in the eye you don’t really endear yourself to them.

But she was actually okay about it. She said, “Don’t worry. It’s not your fault,” and she was smiling. I thought that was great spirit. Plus I’ve always thought that when people smile, that’s them at their most beautiful.

Mum doesn’t think so. She thinks my smile ruins photos, and Christmas, but I was looking at my date with tree debris in her hair, a bleeding leg, torn clothing, dripping scum, smudged bird shit on her face under a blood shot eye, and she was smiling and I thought she looked really beautiful, and I really liked her.

Then an alien spaceship came overhead and sucked her away.

So now she’s on an adventure. So that’s good for her.


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