I took a date to see a movie. I wanted to see Roman Holiday, where Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck go on an adventure through Rome on the back of a Vespa, and for some reason it reminds me of Paris.
My date wanted to see Invasion Death Match, where Earth is overrun with zombies, werewolves and vampires, and the few humans that remain try to survive while aliens invade, but I don’t like scary movies.
I mean, vampires, sure they’re blood suckers, but they can’t come into a house unless they’re invited, so people should stay indoors and order pizza. You don’t let the pizza delivery person into your house. Why would a vampire be any different? Vampires aren’t better than pizza delivery people.
Werewolves, I’m not afraid of them. In monster mythology they represent teenagers growing up, so all that hair they’re covered in is pubic hair. I’m not afraid of someone covered in pubic hair.
Zombies, they’re like really drunk people, bumbling about and eating things they’ll regret later. I can relate to that. Imagine waking up and thinking, Aw, I shouldn’t have eaten that. I can relate.
Even aliens. All those movies are about how people are fearful of foreigners.
I hate all that. They’re drunk, pubic hair covered, pizza delivery drivers who want to come to our country, and people scream, run and try and shoot them. It’s mean.
Mum said, “They’re just movies. Get over yourself. Can’t we even enjoy a movie these days.”
I said, “Not if Adam Sandler is in it.”
That’s a cheap shot. Sorry.
I told my date that we should see our separate movies, and then tell each other about them over a drink.
She said, “Sure,” but after my film finished I couldn’t find her. I waited, just in case she got lost, and then I asked an usher if he’d seen her.
He said, “No,” he hadn’t seen a single women, with her hair in a bun, carrying a black handbag with a gold link chain.
So I guess she mustn’t have left alone. That’s good. Maybe she clung onto someone, or someone clung onto her. That’s the real point of going with a date to see a scary movie.
Oh! Well, good for her.