I met a date at a café. We were having brunch. I don’t know why. Maybe she wanted to meet me in daylight and get the date out of the way early. I don’t know.
Anyway, the waiter came up and said, “What can I get you to eat?”
And I said, “Oh, I like the look of the big breakfast, but it’s close to lunch and the voice in my head doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”
My date looked at me and said, “What?”
I said, “The voice in my head. You know, the little consciousness voice. We all have it.”
She said, “I don’t.”
I said, “Sure you do,” and I said to the waiter, “You have it.”
He said, “No I don’t.”
I said, “Sure, it’s the little voice that tells you how to tie your shoelaces or how to cook eggs. How do you cook eggs without it?”
My date said, “I use a book.”
The waiter said, “Yeah, we use books.”
I said, “That’s ridiculous. You use a book every time you want to cook eggs? Why don’t you just listen to the voice in your head?”
Mum told me I shouldn’t talk about hearing voices while on a date.
I said, “You need the voice. It’s you telling you what you’re doing. I mean, sure, sometimes the voice makes a bad decision. Like you think, maybe I should go over there, and then the voice says, “Sure, why not, let’s do that,” but then it turns out it was a bad idea, and you wish you didn’t do it. You can’t blame yourself. It’s the voice’s fault. It made a bad decision. It’s supposed to help you out, and it does usually help, like reminding you how to cook eggs.”
My date didn’t agree with that. She didn’t think listening to a voice in my head was a good thing.
I said, “Sure, I could wear a tin foil hat and yell about fluoride in the water, that might keep the voice out, but that would also make me crazy. I don’t want to look crazy.”
My date didn’t think that was funny. She did enjoy the eggs though, and now she’s dating the chef. So that’s good for her.