I went on a date with someone who has seen me do stand-up.
She said, “Your delivery is very good.”
I said, “Thanks, but they’re really stories I recite, so the way I talk is all because of the grammar. Like when I pause it’s because there’s a comma, there.”
Actually I didn’t say that last part, I just said up to grammar, which may have sounded like “gran-mar”, which is probably why my date said, “She must be really helpful.”
And I translated the “she” to “that”, which is probably why for the next five minutes we had a conversation where I thought we were talking about how punctuation dictates communication, and she thought we were talking about an old lady, who she has never met, who determines everything I have to say and how I say it.
Mum said that was funny because my Grandma, “Would never help with that sort of thing. She was too busy getting baked.”
I misunderstood that, so the next five minutes we had a conversation where I thought we were talking about how my Grand-mother organised the production and sale of pastry to put her children through school, and Mum was telling me how Grandma grew and sold marijuana.
I finally figured out what my date was talking about, but it wasn’t until afterwards, because when leaving she said, “It was great to properly meet you. Say hi to your Grandma for me,” and I thought that was a weird thing to say, so for the next five minutes I went over our entire conversation until I figured it out.
She was nice thought, but she’s going out with some cardboard salesman now, or some carport salesman, I’m not sure.
I did text “Hi” to Grandma, because it sounded like a nice thing to do, and she replied, but the reply looked like she had face planted the phone and pressed send.
So Grandma is munted. I’m sure she’s happy.