Dating Stories: The Death or Kill Lady

I took a date to a market.

She saw a stall selling pot plants and said, “Oh, I would kill for one of those.”

I thought, It’s only $3.95. You don’t kill people for $3.95. Professional hitmen charge $10,000. $3.95 is not enough. You got to get more for a human life. That’s a massive undercut. You’re making ruthless enemies. The kind that killing someone for $3.95 isn’t worth their time.

She said she couldn’t get one because her apartment is too small.

It’s a bit alarming that the only thing holding her back from some cut price murdering is the size of her flat.

When we passed some dresses that were $20 each, and she said, “Oh, I’d die for those.”

I thought, She’s got a pretty lax opinion on the value of human life. In one exchange she kills someone and gets a pot plant. In the other she’s dead but gets a dress.

She might as well kill the dressmaker and the hobby gardener, and be up $23.95 on the deal.

Mum said it was a sign that my date wanted me to buy those things for her.

I said, “She lives near there. She can go down whenever she wants.”

Mum said, “Some women don’t like going down by themselves. They prefer it when a man does it.”

I said, “Why do they need a man to go down if they can do it themselves.”

Mum said, “Sometimes it just feels better.”

I have no idea what Mum was talking about.

I did offer to buy my date a kebab.

She said she didn’t want one. Instead she said, “It’s been really great to meet you,” which meant she was killing off the relationship. If you could call it a relationship. It depends on when you think a relationship starts. It had the potential of being a relationship, but it mightn’t have formed into one yet. I don’t know. It’s probably not up to me to decide. That’s the woman’s right to choose I guess.

Anyway, I got a kebab. It cost $11.95, which would be three killings and a maiming to her, or something, what would she give for 10 cents leftover? A broken finger?

When I was leaving I saw her talking to the gardener and I thought, I should warn him that she might strangle him for some tulips, but then they looked happy so I figured he was safe. That’s good. That’s good for them.


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