I went on a date with a touchy-feely person. She wanted to hold hands as we walked down the street, but my hands sweat constantly, and it’s not good when I touch things, so I tried to fist bump and elbow nudge her instead.
She said, “Come on.”
So I took her hand and she pulled away, and said, “Whoa! You must be nervous.”
I said, “No, my hands are always like that. That’s why I’m on internet dating. What’s your excuse?”
I didn’t actually say that. I just said, “No,” and we kept walking.
This guy came in the opposite direction and she knew him, and they gave each other a hug, and I thought, That looks nice.
She said, “Oh, this is Simon,” and he reached out to shake my hand, and I shook it, and held on to it longer than normal so he would get the message.
Mum said the only message he would have got was to not shake my hand.
I said, “That was the idea.”
She said, “No, your hands are gross. He wouldn’t have felt intimidated.”
I said, “Why don’t you give me a hug?”
She said, “I gave birth to you. That’s enough.”
Simon wiped his hand and invited my date to the pub, where their friends were.
She said “Yes,” and said that I should come to meet her friends.
We got there and they were all talking and holding each other, and rubbing one another’s backs, and after a while I was standing there, watching them, and I told my date I was going to the toilet but I just left and went home.
They were happy and having fun, with Simon, so that’s good for them.