I’ve got a crush on a librarian. I want to ask her out but if she gets angry I could lose access to books, and I don’t know if true love is worth that risk.
I went and asked her anyway.
She’s the softly spoken one. Do you know her? She wears the same clothes every day. I think that’s because she decided on a style years ago, and then bought eight pairs of everything. Now that part of her brain is spare for more book remembering.
Anyway, I went up to her and said, “Excuse me, do you want to go out sometime?”
She said, “Hmm, I’ll just check for you,” and she went over to a computer
I thought, Wow, that’s great, she’s checking her calendar. She’s efficient and organised. I like that. Then I thought, Maybe she’s googling me to see if she should go out with me. That would be less good, because I’ve been internet dating and if you Google my name you find a murderer in America, and no matter how many times I tell people “I’m a different guy” they don’t write back. But I thought, It’s okay, she’s in front of me, and I don’t look murderery. It’ll be fine, but, it turns out, she wasn’t googling me or checking a diary.
She said, “I can’t find it. Do you know who the author is?”
I thought, Oh, and then said the most romantic thing I could think to say.
“It could be you.”
She said, “Yu?”
I said, “You.”
She said, “Is that Chinese?”
I said, “No. I think they’re from Mildura.”
Mum said this was the worst story she had ever heard. She also said, “Clearly the woman doesn’t change clothes because she’s out every night fucking and doesn’t get home to wash.”
I said, “You don’t know that.”
She said, “Trust me, librarians fuck.”
I said, “I don’t know about that.”
She smiled and said, “Trust me.”
Anyway, it was too much for me and I stopped going to that library. I started going to the one twenty minutes down the street. The librarian there speaks loudly. She’ll say, as if talking into a parimary schoo PA system, “I don’t know why the computer system is down. It has been rubbish all week.” or “There’s a bunch of Better Homes and Gardens magazines and Fifty Shades of Grey if you want to borrow those.”
I reserve books online and get them sent there to collect.
One day the woman who wears the same clothes came to deliver the books, and I saw her kiss the librarian. So, that’s good for them. I can’t go to either library now but they’re happy, so that’s good.