I went to a stand up comedy gig last month. There were a lot of laughs for tales about masturbation. I thought, I can do that! So when I got home I got comfortable and pulled out some DVDs. To make jokes on masturbation I had to masturbate. To do that, I wanted to find some soft porn and get motivated. This was when I realised I’m old.
Not only because I own DVDs, but because I haven’t masturbated in a long time. I used to masturbate a lot when I was a kid. I would do it in my room, on car trips, at camp, anywhere. I matured early, too early for anyone to know what I was doing in the shower for so long. The truth is I didn’t know either, but it was a bit like art – I didn’t know much about it but I knew what I liked.
As I got older I discovered girls and booze, and there’s a big difference between coming home for drunk sex and coming home for drunk masturbation. With sex someone else is in the room, at least there should be, and if they’re not then they must be in a room that’s extremely close by.
I was feeling out of touch, so to speak, and to get reacquainted I had the DVDs. Unfortunately they were not inspiring. I have the box set of Men Behaving Badly – but despite the title it doesn’t contain sex acts that would arouse. I also own some animations and I know some people excited by watching Disney characters, you know, imagining the Dirtyest Mermaid and such, but I own Finding Nemo and that is from Pixar, plus gripping a fish is a difficult thing to do even in imagination. The best DVD I have for sex scenes is the Deadwood series, but the title of that is a bit negative for what I was aiming. So that was also a fail.
By this stage I was feeling a little stumped, and finding it hard, and so I asked my girlfriend for a hand, but I don’t have a girlfriend. Readers of this page know I have a fake girlfriend, but she’s been angry with me lately and wasn’t a good options for advice. Instead I considered who might be doing it. Who could I ask for inspiration about masturbation. My nephew lives near me. He’s of that age and I have a key to his house for emergency use, so I went to his house and, as it was late at night, so as to not wake others I let myself in.
I went to his bedroom, gently woke him with a few nudges, and asked, “Man, you’re young, how do you masturbate?”
He said, “Dude, I’m six. I don’t don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve got prep tomorrow. I haven’t picked anything for Show and Tell. I’m tired. I really need to sleep.”
I was like, “Okay, okay, no problem.” I offered to draw him a diagram but he wasn’t interested. So I tucked him in, tickled his toes, and left. It turns out not everyone in my family starts early.
So I decided I needed some advice from someone who had seen the world, who’s lived life, who has experiences to share. I live near a bridge and so I went there to speak to the vagabond transients living under it. I don’t know if you know Claude but he was there, and he sidled over to me in his way.
I told him my problem, “Man, I want some jokes about masturbation but, you see, I can’t even do it. Is there anything you can think of to help me start again?”
He said, “Listen, there is nothing I can teach you that you can’t teach yourself. The answer you seek must come from your heart. You have to feel it yourself, take hold of it yourself and really connect with yourself.”
And I was like, “That’s so true. So true.” Then he babbled on about string theory for half an hour, which is neither here nor there really.
So I went home, and the next night I bought a bottle of wine, lit some candles, and made pasta for dinner – just pasta, cherry tomatoes, basil leaves, olive oil, parmesan, you know, simple ingredients done well, and I laid down on my back with the bowl on my chest and took my dick out, just to start a conversation. You know, I looked it eye to eye and said, well, it started badly, I said, “Do you come here often?” but of course, “No, no, obviously no, you don’t. Not here.” but we had a laugh and it was good to see each other again, you know, to just talk. Afterwards we went to the bedroom and fooled around, but nothing really happened. It was, well, we’d lost the spark we had in youth I guess.
We tried. I bought a latex glove to see if that felt different, I dyed the pubic hairs a different colour to get a new look – which sort of worked because I have no grey hairs there now but I do have orange pubes, we even tried masturbating in the library for the excitement risk of getting caught. None of this worked. We tried other stuff but by the end of it I was sitting on the floor of my house, shizen porn on the telly, three tubs of lube around me, pants below the ankles, dick out, a little noose tied to the tip, I was tugging on the string and calling my penis swear names, and, well, that wasn’t working either. To be honest we’d gone too far. It had to stop.
We’re still friends. We still see each other almost every day. We still talk, but that part of our life is over.
So I didn’t get any jokes about masturbation. Writing stand-up comedy is difficult.