Dean Holdsworth gives recommendations for Valentines Day

Valentines Day is one of the worst times of year. Sure, if you have someone to love it is fine. Though for many of us love is just a fictional concept never really put into production… a lot like hover-boards – both appear in movies, on TV and in music, but the reality is quite different.

For those of you who don’t have Valentines Day balloons or cards to pass around, there are ways to survive this yearly reminder that the world doesn’t like you very much. The first is by having a shower.

Showers are a great way to feel droplets of human touch. The water warms and comforts a lot like a real person might, or at least if you’ve been single for long enough this is a believable copy. Much like imagining Terence Trent D’Arby can replace Michael Hutchence.

To get some free food… well you could try booking a table for two at a restaurant and then, when they remove the second setting, work on the sympathy of the staff for a bonus dessert or something. Pretending that you’ve been stood-up should come easy if, like me, you’ve had a lot of experience in reality. This is called method acting.

However, better than restaurant manipulation is the process of cooking a home dinner for two. There is the downside of eating the delicious meal alone, yet on the plus side there is a free lunch the next day. It’s a wonderful outcome that can help get though an otherwise second day of sadness.

Competitions are much easier without another person. So things like board games or archery always result in a victory. Flowers can be thrown out sooner if there is no-one to feel offended by the action. There is no need to press them or hold onto the wilting mess for longer than necessary.

If you like chocolates, which I don’t, you could eat the whole box yourself. Not that I advise this. Nor do I advise giant romantic actions, like hanging banners from overpasses or getting a stunt-plane to sign write a message in the sky. On the plus side, considering there is nobody to write a message to, every plane that flies overhead could be not writing a message to the nobody that the single has to write to. So… having clear skies is something singles should be thanked for.

Singles are also very good at providing a counter point for couples to gloat. There is no light without dark, hot without cold or life without decay, so for this reason the single person should be celebrated. Not just in front of, like a break-dancer preforming before a quadriplegic, but celebrated for being and even embraced. A type of Hug a Single Person Day would be nice.

In fact, the Catholic Church should dedicate a Saint to those who are lonely, and on that day, and only that day because lonely people can be really clingy, the isolated and excluded must be considered as being OK. They should be allowed to say “Ticket for one,” and not feel shame and not be given the shitty seat at the side of the theatre. They should be permitted to attend the beach on a warm day without suspicion of ogling at teenage social groups. They should be accepted at public gatherings and events, where they can watch as parents with children interact and not have the stigma of loitering.

The singles of this world should be given a day just like the couples get. A time when they are can come together, feel welcome, have a few drinks, get talking and hopefully meet someone.


PS: If you are single do contact me. I enjoy bungy jumping from helicopters – it’s an extreme sport that requires expert timing, and long walks through grass land or on beaches – anywhere some wild game might be for hunting. (And if you believe any of that then you also believe this plea will work.)


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