The Heat and the Western Australian Separatist Movement


Lazy journalist will write that global warming or natural elements are to blame for the heat wave across Victoria. This guesswork does not take into account the temperature’s origin, and therefore fails to identify the root of the problem. The root, my friends, of the heated evil is Perth.

For too long Perth and surrounding parts of Western Australia have considered separation from Australia, much as South Africa did from the rest of Africa. Until now the Sandgropers have been placid in their attack. Basically they’ve been talking a lot but doing very little. Much like freedom fighters for Tibet. This malaise seems to have stopped, and now they are being surreptitious in their actions.

The problem has always been that Western Australians know that the rest of the mainland don’t want them to leave. As a result, and with a smaller population, any fight would see them lose. They know this is because the eastern side of Australia requires their land for mining tax revenue, their children for fast bowlers, and a job lot of reasons relating to beating Ross Lyon in Grand Finals. The desire to leave is a one way circuit. This is why a new cunning plan has been raised.

By increasing the temperature within Perth and surrounding suburbs, perhaps by the use of heaters, and then relying on prevailing winds to push the current across the great dividing lands towards the quiet and peaceful folk near the opposite coast, the Western Australia People’s front or Peoples Front of Western Australian – take your pick, have turned the tables on desire. It is no longer they who want to be rid of us, but we who need to be rid of them.

Solutions to the heat are simple. Dynamite along the boundary, set the land a drift, install a floating pontoon for the Nullabor traveller, and then bask in the cool breeze of a slightly closer Fremantle Doctor – hence named the Iron Knob Doctor (for reasons of humour rather than location).

With temperatures back to within recommended hair gel storage conditions, Victorians can relax once more. That must be worth sacrificing a few dollars and test match wickets for? Plus, if Western Australia did separate it could be cut from the AFL and we wouldn’t have to play a Ross Lyon team at all. It’s win, win. I’m all for it.


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