Me and My Fake Girlfriend Talk About Getting Rid of Annoying Customers

Annabel works in a restaurant. Every Friday night an elderly couple dine there. They spend forty dollars and take an hour and a half of service. This is not economical, though she is sure they think, as loyal customers, they’re the kind of people business depends upon. Which would be true if the business wasn’t busy and they were actually wasting time and space.

So the question was raised. How does one dissuade annoying regular customers?

‘I could work a night,’ says I. Anna cocks an eyebrow knowingly. ‘I’d just work their table, and do stuff that would put them off?’

‘Like what?’ She asks. ‘I don’t want to be closed down.’

‘No, no. Just subtle stuff. Like scratching my crotch when taking their order and coughing when serving their food. Nothing big. Just stuff that would make them think. You know. Like that was normal behaviour.’

‘Yeah? And…’ she knows this is not a solution in itself.

‘And, when they pay at the counter, as I’m sure they do, you tell them how lucky they were because “Dean comes highly respected from all the Melbourne restaurants”. That way they wont complain.’

‘Yes they will.’

‘No, no. Not if you say, “Oh! It’s his first night with us.” And dismiss their concerns as a once off from nervousness, which they’ll know wont be the case.’

‘You really think that will work?’

‘It will if you add, “And I’m assign him your table regularly.” You know, say it like it’s a thank you to them.’

‘That wont work.’

‘It wont be bad enough for them to really complain, but it will be bad enough to put them off coming back. It will work. I’m a genius.’

As yet Annabel has not taken me up on my offer. This leaves me free for functions. Reasonable rates. Enquires can be submitted below.


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