Boardgamer Wants a Wife: The Complete Series


Boardgamer Wants a Wife: The Complete Series

(A serial structured as Facebook posts)

– Doug loves to play Mouse Trap. Can he trap himself a date? Hugh is keen on Connect Four. Who will he connect to? Mark can’t get enough of Cluedo. Does he have aromantic clue though? Albert can play Hungry Hungry Hippos. So who’s hungry to play with Albert? Find out in Boardgamer Wants a Wife.

– Doug’s three dates are helping him set up Mouse Trap, as well as a cheese board, drinks table and chill-out room. “Should I print a sign for the toilet? I should, shouldn’t I? I will.” While he’s away Harriet comments on the evening so far, “There’s only the four of us. We don’t really need name tags do we?”

– Hugh has developed a rotation system so he and his dates can play Connect Four. “I’ve made a spreadsheet to input our scores to. It’ll produce a table of results or maybe a graph. I might try a pie graph.” The girls propose using beer caps in place of the tokens but Hugh is not keen. “They’ll scratch the frame and we’ll get drunk if we drink that much.” Hugh is out voted.

– Mark is wearing a cape as he insists on being Professor Plum in Cluedo. He also has plans for his dates. “I want you to wear this as Missus Minx, and you can wear this as Starlet Sassy, and you can wear this as Luscious Lolly.” His invented characters are rejected and the women throw about Monopoly pieces to purposefully annoy him.

– Albert is explaining the rules of Hungry Hungry Hippos to his dates. “See here, this leaver, you tap this and the Hippo mouth opens, and we each have a hippo, and we try and get as many balls into the mouth as possible.” Vendra asks if she can not play. Albert doesn’t understand, “Alexandra and Stephanie say they can swallow balls like this.”

– Doug rolls a four and stamps his mouse along to avoid traps. Doug comments privately, “I actually have no idea how to play this game. I usually only set up the board to trip the trap.” Harriet later comments, “He’s really sweet but he has to stop trying so hard. Rolling a four is ok sometimes. Most people roll fours.”

– Hugh’s Connect Four Championship has snagged. The first slab of beer has been drunk though the girls vote that the caps aren’t good enough. They quiz each other with the underside questions as Hugh is made to walk down to the shops to buy more beer. “I dut know whatz the prob’em. We could juts use zee tokens.”

– Mark’s outfits for the ladies have been criticised on grounds of taste and meaning. He now has to argue against actual crowbars and lead pipes for Cluedo murder weapons. “And I aren’t gonna build a conservatory in the garden either. So stop asking that please.” Mark also keeps his cape on.

– Vendra has left, citing the Hungry Hungry Hippos game as “stupid”. Albert doesn’t see the problem, “Stephanie and Alexandra want to play with my Hippos and balls.” The women interject that they only want to play with his balls. Albert confirms that he has a ball sack, it’s in the cupboard, and he’ll get it out after a game.

– Doug has yielded to Harriet, Wendy and Kate’s questions and admits he really doesn’t know what he’s doing. “That’s ok,” says Harriet. “It’s best just to be honest.” In a violent display of finality Doug tips the board over. “To hell with this. Who wants to see a movie?” Harriet agrees and unknowingly Doug has secured his first real date.

– Hugh has left the house once more. Despite drinking half the second slab the women decide they now all want cider. Hugh is vexed,“I wanta play the freaking game man. Use ta tokens that came wit it!” Upon return Hugh finds the girls have entered fake Connect Four results into his tournament spreadsheet. Hugh’s anger grows.

– Mark is trying to convince his dates that the animosity towards “sexy” Cluedo is their fault. “I just wanted to make this a bit of fun. Get in the mood. I’m in the mood. I’m wearing a cape. And I’ve these eye glasses.” The ladies again offer to actually kill someone, maybe him, to help with the real life mood. This is rejected by Mark.

– Albert says, “Stephanie and Alexandra, or Steph and Alex as they rather (though I find that a bit informal), keep asking for my balls. I’ve shown them the footballs and tennis balls and the Hungry Hungry Hippo balls. I simply don’t know what they are talking about. Plus Stephanie keeps reaching for my privates. I think she may have a problem.”

– At the cinema Doug is busy asking interesting questions and folding his ticket over and over again. Harriet tells us, “As far as first dates go this is not the worst I’ve been on. We’ll see what happens.” Halfway through the movie Doug forgets all dating advice and relaxes. They go on a second date.

– Hugh sits at his computer deleting false data the girls entered. He looks up from the screen and sees his three dates randomly, and drunkenly, shoving Connect Four tokens into the slots. “Wait! hey, just, ‘et’s, hey, HEY!” Hugh shakes his head and deletes the entire spreadsheet. “I know, I know, ‘et’s ‘ave fun hey?” He crawls over and smokes a joint with them.

– “They’ve left. This was a shit idea.” Mark flicks through the Cluedo cards and kicks printouts of downloaded FHMs back under his bed. He looks in the mirror. “Why do they leave?” He tugs on the cape, removes it and folds it, putting it back into his chest-of-draws. After a moment he looks in the mirror again.

– Albert has locked his bedroom door. Stephanie sits in the loungroom flicking the leaver on the Yellow Hungry Hungry Hippo. She then swings the board around to play the next Hippo. “He asked what balls we were talking about. Then he chose Alexandra to show him.” Stephanie rests her chin on her fist. “My fault suppose.” In the end the Pink Hippo swallows the most balls… and Albert learns a new game.