Considered by many in the wine industry to be a noxious weed, sauvignon blanc has infiltrated wine circles much the same as Kim Kardashian has infiltrated the news cycle—by being completely devoid of legitimate worth but (somehow) being popular among the plebs.
Still, despite the accompanying bile, since it is popular we must talk about the best things to do with it.
1. Run it through an RO (reverse osmosis device to remove alcohol), copper (to remove phenolic characters) and charcoal (to remove its basic poisons aka flavour).
This way you can drink the pure water that remains.
2. Graft it with cabernet franc to make cabernet sauvignon
The only good sauvignon blanc has done is to remove itself from the food chain and become something supremely better. The grafting of SB with CF to produce CS is G8 for all M8’s of wine, OMG.
3. Cook the bejesus out of it
The acid in Sauvignon Blancs make it perfect for pasta’s and broth’s, and you wont miss the lack of wine flavour if you overcook.
4. Weed out guests
If the guest says, ‘I’ll have a glass of sauvy b thanks’, then you know you can put away the good china.
5. Put Semillon in it
For hundreds of years the French (and then Australians) blended sauvignon blanc with semillon to give the wine some taste. Then the lazy kiwi’s couldn’t bother with the semillon (possibly because they didn’t read the instructions) and started selling semillon devoid sauvignon blanc to an unsuspecting, and kindly, international market. What cheek!
6. Get kick backs
Apparently, owing to Australian/New Zealand Fair Trade Agreement NZ producers can claim the Small Winery Tax Rebate from the OZ government. In other words, if a New Zealand winery sells one million dollars of wine to Australia, the Australian government pays them three hundred thousand in tax rebate. Choice eh bro?
7. Eat Smelly Cheese
A sauvignon blanc is very acidic (that crisp character which is shown better in riesling). This means the wine cleans the mouth a little before it can get smothered in something tasty, that being the cheese.
8. Taunt homeless people
Standing around drinking completely useless semi-alcoholic crap aka Sauvignon Blanc really gets the ire of homeless people. They watch your brown-paper bag with lustful imaginings of spirits, or beers, or real wine. Seeing the label of Sauvignon Blanc is an insult! You’re rubbing in their face your total disregard for the money you have and the options they desire.
9. Remember Your Evil
Barbarian, mass murderer and warlord Genghis Kahn loved a tipple of sauvignon blanc. Consider him when you drink it.
10. Hurt Children
Like rubbing betadine into wounds, pouring sauvignon blanc into children’s open eyes really smarts. It is also a more practical use for the muck than drinking it.