In case you don’t know; mulled wine is what idiots drink when they have brought too much Beaujolais Nouveau (or some other cheap peudo-red-wine goop) and need to make it drinkable. They do so by mulling it, which is a process of adding spices, heat and anything else that might dull the taste of the rancid muck they started with. It is like mixing coca-cola with bourbon (in that order).
Not to be confused with ‘mulling over wine’—which is even more preposterous.
Here is a list of things to do:
1. Get drunk
The major plus to mulled wine—let’s face it, the only plus to mulled wine—is that it contains alcohol. Sure, you can buy some unalcoholic versions but that’s like buying a car without any wheels, or a massage that doesn’t include sex.
2. Try and get it off with the boss’ daughter
The boss’ daughter is likely to be suggestible to almost anything if you supply the right about of alcohol to the pressure points of the parental-rebellion gland (usually located around the area of the career-planning liver). If you are male, have a crack. If you are female, have a crack.
3. Spike the mulled wine
Mulled wine, for all the horror of having to drink the rubbish, is not alcoholic enough. If you’re going to drink it, then it might as well be worth it. It is like drinking straight gin or vodka made in Russia. The only benefit is the alcohol.
4. Eat bacon
Eat anything that will over power the taste of the mulled wine: duck liver pate, salt & vinegar crisps, red hot chillies, saturated toilet-carpet, anything to mask the awful taste of mulled wine itself.
5. Go Christmas shopping
Nothing says ‘I hardly think about you’ like gifts purchased when you’re drunk. And, as said, mulled wine’s one redeeming feature is its alcohol content.
6. Invade Poland
Hitler was a well know devotee of mulled wine. Drink mulled wine and you look like a prick, just like Hitler was.
7. Play Risk
Is the highlight of your year the acceptable season to drink mulled wine? Then you are unlikely to have no-cover-charge entry into clubs, know the names of any good bands playing or have interesting friends. Go play Risk and pretend your life is worth living.
8. Mistakenly inform you neighbours that your family is dead
This has nothing to do with mulled wine itself; it simply makes drinking the stuff include sufficient sympathy that having to drink it deserves.
9. Go into the room of mirrors and have a good hard look at yourself
10. Forget to mix it
Buy a decent bottle of plonk, don’t mix it or heat it past it’s appropriate consumption point. Sit in a room with a fire, and just drink some wine.
Thank you for reading. A Good Drop hopes you enjoy the mulled wine season.
Topic suggested by Matthew Moran (UK).
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