Gamer Wants a Wife: The Complete Series

Gamer Wants a Wife.

 (a series structured as Facebook posts)

–      Began filming my new series Gamer Wants a Wife today and already Audrey and Trisha have shown interest in Stefan, the Tekken champion of Moonee Ponds. Tune in and see if Craig can defeat the giant dragon at the end of Lara Croft 3: Remastered and juggle the affections of three lovely ladies.

–      Tim is a twenty-five year old Gamer from Richmond. He loves retro games and one of his proudest moments was clocking the Nintendo game Star Wars on first play. ‘I just put it in a played right through. It was unbelievable. When I took the X-wing down the shaft I thought, this could be it! And it was it!’ But he is still to beat Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson Boxing. ‘I haven’t played that one yet’. Will he? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Jacinta is with Michael, one of Australia’s leading FIFA ‘09 on Playstation gamers. ‘I heard them say that Chelsea footballers play just like they’re Playstation players; and Michael is one of them. So that’s pretty good.’ Does this spell love for these two? Watch out for more on Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Craig has defeated the dragon in Tomb Raider 3 but Heidi, a twenty-three year old fitness-instructor from Sweden, is unimpressed. ‘He just walked up to the dragon and it was trapped behind a pillar and he stabbed it in the chest and it died. Just nothing.’ More to come on Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Stefan has given Audrey and Trisha an ultimatum. ‘Now girls. I can’t choose between the two of you; so I’ve designed a test. See how many Tekken special moves you can name and you have to describe the direction and button combination needed to pull-off the move.’ Can they do it? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife to find out!

–      Tim’s girls are keen to pull out all the stops to please him, but Megan thinks she has the upper hand on Yvette and Donna. ‘I’ve managed to track down a copy of Mike Tyson Boxing for Nintendo. I know he is real keen to play it and I think it can get me across the line.’ Will it? Tune into Gamer Wants a Wife for more.

–      Michael is locked in an end-of-season fitness struggle with his FIFA ‘09 team, Manchester Utd. He has qualified for three cups and is at the pointy-end of the regular season. Can he complete the quadruple? Will Jacinta be able to keep her enthusiasm under wraps until the season ends and Michael’s no-girls-during-final’s policy finishes? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife to find out!

–      It is getting to crunch time for Stefan. Trisha was able to pip Audrey in the name and button description of Tekken moves with a flawless recollection of Yoshimitsu’s Shark Attack but Stefan can not send Audrey home. ‘I think it means I really like her.’ Gamer Wants a Wife; watch it to find out.

–      Craig is frustrated but Heidi thinks she can ease his stress. He’s stuck on the calendar puzzle in Tomb Raider: Underworld and Heidi, the Swedish fitness-instructor, proposes that she take hold of Craig’s joypad – currently in his lap – and use it to find a missing long, hard beam or handle type object, to unlock a door, behind some flaps, into a tunnel. Watch Gamer Wants a Wife to see if it works.

–      Yvette has been sent home. It was a tough decision as Tim was forced to cut his three ladies down to two. After peeling him away from a six hour gaming stint Tim reveals, ‘I just feel we didn’t really connect.’ Who will Tim now choose between Donna and Megan? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife to find out.

–      Michael is not sure about his connection with Jacinta. ‘I get the feeling that she is quite keen but I don’t know. What do you think? You think she’s alright?’ Is she alright? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Stefan has sent Trisha home and will now spend the last week alone with Audrey at his mother’s place. Audrey is relieved that the wait for Stefan’s final decision is almost over, ‘I hate it here and can’t wait to go home.’ Find out what happens; watch Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Heidi solved the calendar puzzle and has roared through the rest of the level. Craig is keen for a go but has not the muscle or confidence to push the fully fit and youthful Heidi out of the beanbag. ‘I’m afraid what will happen if I ask her to leave. My housemates are pretty keen for her to stay also.’ Will he accept this development as his submissive lot? Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      In the biggest surprise of the series Tim has sent Megan home after she gave him the copy of Mike Tyson Boxing for Nintendo explaining that, ‘Donna gave me a wristy.’ Will he get more from Donna? Gamer Wants a Wife is in its final weeks.

–      Jacinta is going home. After getting to know Michael they, like all the couples, will now spend the next three weeks apart to see if the flame of love continues to burn. ‘I think he could be the one,’ says the twice devoiced man-eater from Sydney. What does the future hold? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife for more.

–      Three weeks have past and Stefan is about to Skype Audrey. ‘I’ve asked her to come back to play two player mode with me.’ -snigger- ‘Now I’m waiting for a reply. It says she is online so she must be there. She may have gone for a coffee so I’ll just wait. I think she drink’s coffee.’ What happens with the other couples? Watch Gamer Wants a Wife.

–      Heidi and Craig’s relationship seems to have hit a snag. Heidi, now very protective of her widening grove in the beanbag, attributes their relationship hurdle to the fact that she “dunno where he is” and summarises that he has “just buggered off somewhere”. A forwarding address indicates that Craig has moved out. Gamer Wants a Wife; concluding soon.

–      Tim and Donna have connected faster than very fast broadband and it appears wedding bells are in the air. ‘No that’s the boxing ring bell you hear at the end of rounds in Mike Tyson. I clocked it and now Donna is having a go. I don’t know where this will lead but it’s not a co-op game so I’ll just have to watch I guess.’ Final episode of Gamer Wants a Wife coming up.

–      ‘Narr I chucked her. United missed the FA Cup on penalties. She was bad luck.’ Michael may have missed out on love but maybe there is a woman out there for him. Maybe he’ll find love in Gamer Wants a Wife 2; auditions welcome.

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