The Gullibility of Stormtroopers

Scene setting: Entry check point at Mos Elsie on the dessert planet of Tataooine. Here an old landspeeder, sun stained reddish brown, arrives carrying two male humans and two droids. The passenger in the speeder is old and bearded while the driver is young and clean shaven. One droid is a golden coloured protocol droid and the other a white, blue R2 unit.

Five imperial Stormtroopers work at the checkpoint. They are searching for two droids that perfectly match the description of the droids being carried on this landspeeder.

Here is the conversation resulting from a routine checkpoint questioning:

1st Stormtrooper – “How long have you had these droids?”

Young man – “About three or four seasons.”

Old man –  “They’re for sale if you want them.”

1st ST – “Let me see your identification.”

OM – “You don’t need to see his identification.”

1st ST – “We don’t need to see his identification.”

OM – “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”

1st ST – “These aren’t the droids we’re looing for.”

OM – “He can go about his business.”

1st ST – “You can go about your business.”

OM – “Move along.”

1st ST – “Move along, move along.”

(Landspeeder leaves the scene.)

2nd Stormstooper – “What’s all that about?”

1st ST – “What?”

2nd ST – “You just believed everything he said.”

1st ST – “So?”

2nd ST – “So?”

1st ST – “So what?”

2nd ST – “He might be in on it! They might be the droids we’re looking for!”

1st ST – “They said they weren’t.”

2nd ST – “But they might be! Don’t believe them!”

1st ST – “Oh come on, they looked alright. Honest face.”

2nd ST – “That doesn’t count for nothing.”

1st ST – “Aw, you’re over reacting.”

2nd ST – “How did you get this job?”

1st ST – “What?”

2nd ST – “What did they tell you? All expenses paid trip round the universe? Opportunities after service? Promotion within the first year? You’ll believe anything.”

1st ST – “Oh shut up.”

2nd ST – “At least I got recruited you probably signed up for it.”

1st ST – “It’s none of your business.”

2nd ST – “I can’t believe this.”

1st ST – “Look do you want to get back to work?”

2nd ST – “Just wait till Vader hears about this.”

1st ST – patronising “Oh Vader, Vader, you’re gonna tell Vader.”

2nd ST – “Yeah I might.”

1st ST – dismissive “So what.”

2nd ST – “So? He’ll blow your head up with his figures he will.”

1st ST – “Oh yeah!”

2nd ST – “Yeah, just like that.”

1st ST – “Bullshit.”

2nd ST – “Shit nothing he can do it.”

1st ST – “And you say I’ll believe anything.”

2nd ST – “You will.”

1st ST – “You haven’t even met Vader.”

2nd ST – “I have too.”

1st ST – “When?”

2nd ST – “In the academy.”

1st ST – “Oh that was just some guy dressed up. They do that to everyone. Vader comes down, says how proud he is and he’s seen our test scores and that we’re the best bunch of recruits he’s ever seen. They do it to everyone man, it’s just bullshit.”

2nd ST – “Well, it could have been him.”

1st ST – “I’ll give you the hot tip, it wasn’t.”

3rd Stormtooper – “Guys can we move this along we’ve got a lot of traffic waiting.”

1st ST – “Shut up Eugene.”

2nd ST – “Yeah Eugene shut up.”

3rd ST – “I just think we should get back to work.”

1st ST – “I don’t give a fuck what you think.

(The 1st Stormtrooper  turns towards next speeder in the que.)

1st ST –  Right, you! How long have you had these droids?”

Some guy – “I don’t know. A couple of seasons?”

1st ST –  “Have they been remodelled at all?”

SG – “No I don’t think so.”

1st ST – “Ok, Ok. That’s fine you can move along. Next.”

(Some guy’s speeder leaves the scene.)

2nd ST – “That’s it?”

1st ST – “Yes. We’re looking for a protocol droid and an R2 unit and neither of those maintenance droids could possibly be remodelled or altered to look anything like a protocol or R2. He can go.”

2nd ST – “You didn’t even scan them!”

1st ST – “I didn’t need to scan them they weren’t the droids we were looking for.”

2nd ST – “There you go again. No droid that even could be the droids we’re looking for could be the droids we’re looking for.”

1st ST – “They’re not the droids we’re looking for.”

2nd ST – “We’re never going to get off this island.”

1st ST – “Look Darren I’m getting a bit sick of your cheek.”

2nd ST – “Oh yeah.”

1st ST – “Yeah.”

2nd ST – “So what!”

1st ST – “What?”

2nd ST – “What you gonna do about it?”

1st ST – “You want me to throw down on you?”

2nd ST – “Yeah go on, let’s have it bitch!”

3rd ST – “Guys come on.”

2nd ST – “Stay out of this Eugene.”

3rd ST – “No come on we got other people to check. Remember the droids. We’ve holding up traffic.”

(a long pause as tension begins to fade.)

3rd ST – “Guys?”

1st ST – (Directed at 2nd ST) “You’re lucky.”

2nd ST – “Yeah I bet.”

1st ST – “Just you watch it.”

(A new landspeeder comes to the front of the que.)

1st ST – (Driected at driver.) “Now you! How long have you had these droids?”

Family person – “A couple of seasons.”

1st ST – “A couple of seasons, a couple of seasons, everyone has them for a couple of seasons. Where’s your identification?”

FP – “My identification?”

1st ST – “Yes! Your identification!”

FP – “Arr, yeah sure here it’s in the glove box here somewhere. Oh here it is.”

1st ST – “And you’re sale rights on the droids.”

FP – “My sale rights?”

1st ST – “Yes your sale rights! What aim I a parrot! Do I have to repeat everything?”

FP – “Oh, I, I don’t have them on me.”

1st ST – “Oh really?”

FP – “Yes I don’t carry the sale rights with me. They’re at home.”

1st ST – “At home?”

FP – “Yes.”

1st ST – “What good are they at home?”

FP – “I don’t know? I didn’t expect anyone would want to see them,. I’ve had these droids for three or four seasons…”

1st ST – “Three or four seasons?”

FP – “Yeah,” pause as tension mounts “Three or four seasons.”

1st ST – “Right, you’re coming with us.”

FP – “Hey wait a minute…”

1st ST – “What? Are you resisting?”

FP – “You can’t take me for this! This is nothing!”

1st ST – “No? That’s it! I’ve had enough of this guy just shoot him.”

(Blast! blast! blast!)

1st ST – “And the driods.”

(Blast! blast! blast!)

(The 1st Stormtrooper turns to the next speeder in the que.)

1st ST – “Right! Next!”

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